The Captain Cooley Chronicles

Fair-well, world of ranting.

2009-03-03T21:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm done. I'm just not that into this anymore.

I'm done ranting.

No, really. I'm serious. I'm not going to rant regularly anymore (going back to normal maladjusted priveleged white heterosexual male levels here).

First of all, I'd like to thank Maddox. Any ranter (and I use the term loosely here, most ranters are about as smart as the people who still send Maddox hatemail) knows that if Maddox hadn't invented ranting, we'd still be fairly contented with our lot in life. And, of course, I'd like to thank Maddox for not writing jackshit anymore. We all know they're just token articles so people will still compulsively check his site every day. His real money now is merchandise and some mythical webshow he might put together someday. But I'd like to thank him, because if it weren't for him I might have seriously put some people through walls in my youth (like, last year). Way back in the days of my anger, I really had no outlet and just took it out on my family. Now they bask in my neglect like all children should.

The next ranter I'd like to thank is Thilo. His site is just funny, all right? It doesn't even really make sense anymore, but that's okay. Ranting never did make much sense. The audience is just small, you know? Only so many people out there willing to read some guy's bullshit about how bad his day was. It turns out though that some douchebag homeschooled fourteen year-old conservative AUTHOR with a PUBLISHED BOOK has more than three times as many page views on his BOOK'S website than my whole site does. HE TURNED 14 LAST MONTH. And he's been on TV and everything, little douche that he is. I'm talking about Johnathon Krohn. Just check out his blog, his writing is shit. And not just that it's uninteresting and poorly thought out, his writing is just BAD. You'd think it was written by perhaps someone in high school with no formal writing experience, not a published author. You see, the transition simply ELUDES him. He writes like he's a motherfucking talk-radio show guy, all big statements that never really go anywhere new, just constant hype and bullshit.

The reason is, of course, is that he follows the audience (although if he were smart he'd go after the liberals, we all know they are smarter, cleaner, better educated, and more numerous than everyone else, right?). He writes about stuff that people want to read about, like why Sarah Palin is actually a GOOD choice for anything other than... well, I can't see myself ever intentionally choosing her for anything, but you get the idea.

So I've decided to clean up my act and get the fuck outta here. This is just not the place for a serious discussion of anything. The ranting genre is too limiting and too far from the mainstream for me. I've got things to say that won't get noticed here, and to be honest if you're here from the days of the classics (maybe... 3 people?), you don't want to read what I think of Obama's policies OR how I totally fucking raped my chemistry midterm today while the Backstreet Boys' Everybody (Backstreet's Back) looped in my head.

So I've given up the pretense that ranting is anything cool anymore. I'll keep the site up, though, because I don't mind saddling Google with my shit and I'm too lazy to take it down. Instead, I'm moving to wordpress with a site dedicated to my musings and life experiences rather than my rage and frustrations. Eventually I'll by an actual URL, but I need to get some finances straightened out first. So if you want to keep hearing what I've got to say about stuff, go on over there (link to the right) and check it out.

I may return from time to time, however. Douchebags like Krohn are in abundance, as we all know, and my blood pressure can only get so high before I need to take it out on a keyboard somewhere. Recently promised articles aren't coming, but you can still hold your breath if you really want.

I bid you adieu,

The Captain.

Don't be hating on Brandon McInerney.

2009-02-27T13:06:00.000-08:00

Chris, you're a little behind on the times, here. This came out and was discussed a while ago by me, taking the harder argument to make, that King shouldn't have been such a flaming homo.

Here is the original post I made.

I'd like to point out a few facts about this post. I consider it my most controversial. My first girlfriend nearly broke up with me over this post, and her older sister who I was friends with before my girlfriend still doesn't look me in the eye. Then, I disguised my myspace profile, friended the memorial page for King, and directed them to my site, just to see what kind of comments I could get. They still have no fucking clue.

Haha, I just reread that article. The comments are priceless.

Fuck your poverty level, I love my Mcjob

2009-02-19T01:35:00.000-08:00

I make barely more than (the California) minimum wage. Nine dollars an hour. And I'd be happy working for five.

The purpose of the minimum wage is to keep businesses from paying nothing. That's it, it's not so dumbass Mexicans can work at McDonald's to support a family of 6, okay? It's so you can get a goddamn reference. And that should be worth more to you than 16 dollars an hour, an admittedly high wage for a job that requires little more than handing food to customers.

It takes literally no effort to find criticisms of the Mcjob. Google that shit, and you find articles about how these jobs are ruining America, how they increase the size of the lower class, blah blah blah.

We get it!

I heard some song on my friend's iPod, some rap about the 'new age slavery at McDonald's and Taco Bell'. What the fuck is that shit?! Nobody's making you work there, and they pay you! The definition of motherfucking slavery! It absolutely cheapens real slavery.

Nobody's meant to work a Mcjob for more than two years. Under ANY circumstances. I don't care if you're grandmother needs chemo, you can find a better job if you're smart.

Granted, most of the people working Mcjobs are either retarded, foreign, or lacking in work experience and won't know how to work a Mcjob. So here's what you do, angsty teenagers of the world.

A Mcjob teaches you several things. It's a learning experience. First, it teaches you to hate dull, repetitive work. Most people figure this out the first day. Second, it teaches you that dull, repetitive work doesn't pay well, because you really aren't adding any value. A monkey could do your job with only slightly more training than you got. Finally, it teaches you to kiss ass, because in six months, you should be saying good-bye to that crap job and moving on to something that pays better and is more interesting.

When you get food from a Mcjob type place, it's usually a foreigner or some punk teen taking your order and giving you your food, right? And you hate it, because foreigners are unenthusiastic about serving white people (and usually don't speak any damn English), and teens are unenthusiastic about anything. And they don't smile. C'mon, we know it's not pleasant for you, but indulge us. We just want a Big Mac, not the guilt of knowing that your feet hurt and you're counting the minutes until you can leave.

The real point of a Mcjob is getting a kickass reference for when you leave. That's it. The money isn't why you're there, okay? Get that thought out of your head right now, or you're going to be poor for the rest of your life (or foreign, depending on your situation; probably both). The reference is your proof that you're A) a good worker and B) you're a known quantity. Companies love known quantities. If you can get your manager to like you, he'll not only give you the good jobs while you work for him, but after you leave he'll tell your new company that you can be trusted (whether or not that's true is up to you).

The only other reason to work a Mcjob is to raise enough cash to start a business of your own. You don't do that. Okay, let me say it again. YOU DON'T DO THAT. You don't know how to run a business, leave that to the smart foreigners who know what they are doing. YOU DON'T DO THAT.

One of my coworkers at my Mcjob has been working there for two years now. She complained to me that our boss has been cutting her hours. My boss calls me in off the schedule to work whatever job he needs done, so that I'm working close to 15 hours a week, while she's working about 4.

I've worked there for two weeks, compared to her two years. And you know what? He likes me better. I smile at customers, I smile at him, I smile when I stub my toe while doing the shit jobs. I work hard, I help everybody, I don't slack off, and I'm FOCUSED. I'm there to prove myself, get everyone to acknowledge that, and then move on to better things (I'd like to work in an auto garage; it's as close as I can get to diagnostic medicine until med school). If I make a lot of money that's a side effect.

But I'll be damned if there aren't fuckers out there who just don't fucking get it! They don't understand the point of these jobs, and write their damn articles and reports and books about how bad Mcjobs are to everyone. And this is why I think the minimum wage is way too high. It should be closer to five dollars an hour, before taxes (which should be substantially lower, anyways). People aren't supposed to live off these jobs, that's just stupid.

My new job, and even newer massive crushing debt.

2009-01-24T22:56:00.000-08:00

I got a job on campus today, working at the Pippin dining hall, a minute’s walk from my room.

Isn't that a shitty commute? No, really, I have to go down STAIRS. And then, when I want to go back, I have to go back UP the stairs. Way worse than a three hour commute through LA rush hour traffic. At this rate I may never get up to the walrus size to which America aspires.

Now, I almost didn't get this job. For starters I lack job experience and qualifications. My biggest quasi-qualification I put on job applications is that I almost made Eagle Scout after almost a decade of Scouting. My biggest accomplishment is FAILING at being a Boy Scout. Other than that I mention my mediocre experiences with the Theater club at my school and my history of going to people's homes, with knives, trying to sell said knives to those people who barely know me. Interestingly, I made almost $3k doing that, so it wasn't all bad.

And I always downplay the theater shit. The pinnacle of my time with the Guild, as they were called, was being Co-student director of the first play of the year. My duties included 'directing' the play when the actual teacher head of the Guild was busy, taking attendance to the rehearsals, and dealing with actors' and crews' problems as we put together the show.

Let's get this clear, right from the start. I have absolutely no artistic, creative talent. None. Why I was chosen is a mystery to me, that probably had something to do with my lack of interest in acting (they were always short of male actors, probably because acting is gay) and the blatant lies the rest of the guild told her (that teacher person I mentioned) about my dependability and interest in anything creative. In the end, I ignored anything to do with directing by letting the other guy handle it, or putting it off until the teacher could handle it. This rarely happened, so most of the time the Guild acted like a headless chicken during rehearsals, and it showed in every single one of the shows we did.

As for taking attendance, I spent three rehearsal days putting together a spreadsheet in Excel to track attendance and who turned in their permission slip, in case anybody got hurt working on the show. Anybody who works with Excel more than once a year knows that this was a ten minute job that I shamelessly milked in order to avoid doing real work. Then I tried to farm out the work to illegal aliens from outside the Home Depot down the street, but they kept getting blocked at the gate because apparently the school hates immigrant workers! In the end I just made shit up, (and never did get everyone's permission slips, and the slips I did get I never turned in, I think I still have them) except for one guy who was literally NEVER THERE, but more on him later.

As for dealing with the problems of various actors and the unpaid manual labor slaves known affectionately as 'crew', I honestly apologize. You guys really deserved better than me, as most humans do. I let you down, and your performance suffered. In my defense, though, I probably would have grievously injured far more crew than I did, if I had tried to lead you; and actors, any advice I would have given you would have been simply wrong, and contradicted by everything told to you by anyone with experience or talent. It's better that you sat around, gossiping, rather than rehearsing, trust me.

Now, it LOOKS like I've covered all my duties. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! I actually DID wind up acting, thanks to that guy who was an even bigger flake than me that I mentioned before. Apparently, due to health problems and 'familial issues' (like he was getting beaten by his father everyday for being a fucktard? I dunno, I wasn't paying attention when he tried 'opening up' to me), he was never able to rehearse, and wound up not being able to do the show. Naturally, he tells us literally on the day of the first show, so everyone starts to panic, and gossip about what a failure he is far more than is natural, or even healthy.

So the head teacher person rearranges several peoples' roles, because apparently with her wisdom she realized that not showing up for 80% of the rehearsals might affect his ability to perform. Interesting that she never noticed my lack of effort, but we'll just chalk that up to my winning personality. In the end, the other Student Director and I wound up with small parts, me playing the role of a guy playing the role of a priest, which I did HORRIBLY. I mean, I had to learn several exits and entrances, and NO LINES, in SEVERAL HOURS! I mean, what the fuck?! I'm not a goddamn theatrical genius here, okay? Apparently, though, I was the funniest fuck-up of the whole thing, so it wasn't too bad.

All in all, I plan to continue to use that head teacher as a reference until I have real references from real jobs, mostly because nobody's had the heart to tell her what a failure I was (least of all me). Hell, she might have figured it out anyways, but whatever, if she won't bring it up then I won't. I mostly tell my potential bosses not to really call her, because it was a short term thing, blah blah blah, high school, and that for an 'accurate' appraisal of my work-readiness, they should talk to my boss from Vector Marketing, where I sold knives.

I'm pretty sure it's written in the actual contract that my old boss has to be a positive reference, provided we actually sold any knives. Considering I sold far more knives than the average, and stayed on for far longer than the average (which, incidentally, I think is something like two weeks), he should be fucking GLOWING on the phone when he talks about me. I doubt he even remembers me anymore, but whatever; he's a fucking reference with a phone number, dammit!

So, as you can see, why anyone would hire me for anything is a mystery to me, but I got the job, so that's great. Nine dollars an hour to do god knows what to people's food for around ten hours a week, so that's pretty fucking sweet. I'll probably slack off just a little bit less than normal, to avoid being fired (I technically was un-fire-able at the Vector Marketing job, and in fact I still work for there, if I ever get around to it) and to get my new boss to up my hours to around fifteen per week, so I can bring in some decent money.

Actually, I'm going to need that money, because before I'm even officially on the payroll and started to work, I need this job to pay off the purchases I made in celebration. Immediately after the little 'chat' we had in which he made sure I wasn't totally brain-dead and a thief (I think I've got him fooled, nobody tell him!), I took a series of buses to the District at Tustin Legacy, basically a big shopping center. I wound up buying a lot of books I'll probably never read, and then spilled soda on them to make sure I couldn't return them. Then I went and bought a bunch of hygiene stuff at Target that nobody really needs. I didn't even know they made gold-plated cotton swabs, but I'll be damned if they weren't on the rack, seven hundred dollars a box. I got six. After that I figured I should probably stop buying stuff, so I went to Best Buy.

You see, apparently you can steal movies and music on the internet for free, but the concept doesn't work so well when you try to 'download' the movies from the shelf to your bag and then try to leave. I wound up with a fine, forced to actually buy the movies (they didn't even care about the CDs, they knew that nobody cared anymore and let me keep them), and because I was feeling a little embarrassed at the whole scene, I went and got some USB-drive-powered air fresheners.

Now, I'm USING all the USB ports on my computer and several on my roommates that he has yet to notice siphoning his data onto an external hard drive I intend to sell to identity thieves for vicodin money. So I had to buy those USB adapters for electrical outlets. So now every outlet in my room has a USB adapter with an air freshener plugged in, not really doing anything.

So here I am, with the debt of a small third world country, smelling the freshest computer generated goddamn air in the WORLD, and not even a job yet, technically. Now, I am real American citizen! Where's my bailout?

You DO NOT live in the ghetto! Shut the fuck up!

2008-12-24T18:49:00.001-08:00

Why is it I hang out with such fucking pussies? Rialto is not the fucking ghetto.

They think they're all badass because they live in the ghetto. Here's a newsflash, your ghetto was built in the 1950s as housing for white people. That's not the fucking ghetto.

Since when does a high crime-rate instantly make somewhere 'the ghetto'? It used to be you had to have a lot of some ethnic minority to make it a ghetto, and before that it had to be Jews. So it's a double watered down term that white kids use to sound badass. Yeah, real badass.

These people, seriously, what the fuck? You act like your scared of your own shadow! Nobody's going to shoot you just for walking down the street, or looking at their house. Relax. I'm one of the most white people I know and I would feel perfectly safe walking down your street at midnight.

Do you know why? It's because I'm not a dumbass. I'm not going around looking cross-eyed at every suspicious looking guy I see. I go around, NOT ASKING FOR IT. "Oh, four people got shot at that store." You mean, four dumbass gangsters were acting all tough, and they got called out. They earned it.

"And down that street is the school where the girl got her throat slit." "Why was that?" "I dunno, just because." "Oh bullshit, nobody slits a throat for no reason." "Well, she was in a fight with some other girl..." There you fucking go! She was asking for it!

And then we stop at Carl's Jr. at 1 in the morning and see a bunch of Mexicans in a huddle near some cars, probably just talking about something, or at most distributing drugs. No big deal. So immediately, everyone in the fucking car starts telling everyone to 'don't look at those guys.' Well shit, if every single one of you avoids eye contact, you look like a fucking victim. Or, even worse, you look like some goddamn tourist, except tourists know that making eye contact isn't asking to be shot! As it was I almost died of asphyxiation, choking on all the estrogen in the car.

IT'S TIME TO MOVE OUT OF YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE.

2008-12-18T23:16:00.000-08:00

I have no respect for people who live with there parents after high school.

You people are just lazy fucks, plain and simple. "Oh, I COULD go to a nice college, but instead I think I'll sit at home with my thumb up my butt for a couple years." God, I can't even look at you people any more.

Are you that dependent on your parents? And especially you, you who complained about it while you WERE in high school. You pussy. You didn't even think you could handle it in the 'real' world, so you pussied out, you chickenshit, and you decided to stay where it's 'comfortable'. And it's not even the real fucking world. In the real world, if you decide not to go to work, and to sleep in instead, you get fired. But nobody really cares if you skip out on lecture. In the real world, you aren't getting money from mom and dad, or some bank, to sit on your ass all day playing Facebook. You have to work, and be somewhat good at it, or you don't eat!

And you fucking ruin it for me, too. Because I can't just call you up, or show up where ever the fuck it is you live, and hang out with you. You have to check with your goddamn parents, first. And you probably have a curfew, too.

Man, life is going to fuck you up. You aren't even going to be able to handle it. And you know who's fault it is? Your parents. They made life FAR too easy for you. My parents had nine fucking kids. You think I wanted to stay there any longer than necessary? Fuck no. I was out of there as soon as I could, and I never looked back. But YOUR parents, they gave you whatever you wanted, if you whined enough. You got that iPhone as soon as it came out. I barely got a fucking cell phone, and I sure as hell wasn't allowed to make non-emergency calls on that fucker.

Your parents were failures. If you didn't hate your life at home enough that you were willing to fucking walk to where ever your college was, and be homeless if you couldn't afford housing, then your parents failed. Their job was not to make you happy, or even a good person. It was to make you capable of moving out of your damn comfort zone, and live a life.

I can't even convey to you people how pathetic you are. You know that fat loser who still lives in his mom's basement, even when he's 35? Yeah, this is how he started out.

And you and I both know that there are, indeed, valid reasons to live with your parents throughout college. But those aren't your reasons. You're just being fucking lazy. Grow a pair and move out already.

The Obama Series: Civil Rights

2008-12-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

This is the first part of a series on Obama's agenda as president, as stated on his website 'Change.gov'. I'm not a paid political analyst. Any claims I make are mine alone. If you would like to share this, or anything from my site with your friends, coworkers, or family, please simply send a link back to my website. Plagiarism is only cool in school, kids.

CIVIL RIGHTS

First off, I'm a moderate opponent of all civil rights. I don't like them, but I'll tolerate them. So when I heard that my president for the next four years actually SUPPORTED civil rights, you can imagine my shock and indignation. Who's he to decide how I should treat people to preserve 'dignity and respect'?

Because, you see, I was under the impression that 'respect' was something you earned, and that 'dignity' had more to do with how you act than how others treat you. People act dignified, they aren't treated dignificately. Shit that word doesn't even make any sense, does it? And he says that being treated 'with dignity and respect' was a founding promise of the nation, as the founding promise of equality.

Since when do we have a right to equality? That's bullshit, and you know it. This nation was founded on the backs of slaves to protect the rich from taxes they simply didn't feel like paying, and tough shit if you think otherwise. Go read a fucking history book. If anything, this nation was formed to protect inequality. White male land-owners, the only demographic allowed to vote. Better times, eh?

But enough of that. There's not enough time to go over the whole damn civil rights movement.

The first part of the Obama-Biden plan for Civil Rights is to 'combat employment discrimination'. Taken straight from the site, they want to 'overturn the Supreme Court's recent ruling that curtails racial minorities' and women's ability to challenge pay discrimination.' I wasn't aware that this was still a problem, actually, or that we needed MORE legislation on this topic. Didn't we take care of this in the '70s? If you've got a problem with pay discrimination, you take it to the HR department, am I right? But this is even worse than it seems on the surface.

Obama wants to OVERTURN A SUPREME COURT RULING. This simply doesn't fly under the Constitution. That's an INTERPRETATION of the Constitution, and we all have to live with it. The only thing that can change this interpretation is a Constitutional amendment, or another Supreme Court ruling. The President has no power, here, and if he makes a move to mess with the Supreme Court, well, I don't know what I'll do. He should be told to go suck it, honestly, by everyone in the country and certainly the Supreme Court. He's part of the weakest branch of government, and dammit let's keep it that way.

Oh, and he also wants to 'prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity or expression', but more on that later.

The next part of this plan is to expand current hate crime statutes.

I have an issue with hate crimes. How the fuck do you decide what's a hate crime? And why should it be more of a crime just because you killed someone you hate, rather than just some random guy on the street? Hate is what keeps this country strong, and if we start criminalizing it, where do we stop?

Specifically, our President-elect wants to strengthen federal hate crimes legislation, pass the Matthew Shepard Act, and 'reinvigorate enforcement at the Department of Justice's Criminal Section'. This is where Obama's color is showing. He wants to make sure that beating up a black is extra bad, compared to beating up a white or hispanic. It's common knowledge that you can be pro-anything, just so long as you're not pro-White. Hate crime legislation only makes racism legal, and it shouldn't be passed.

Next is something about Deceptive Voting Practices. The man from CHICAGO is against voter fraud. Excuse me whilst I snicker. He wants to provide voters with 'accurate and full information so they can vote'. The only information the government should provide about voting is where to do it, and the actual text of the legislation in question. I don't really want a man from CHICAGO encouraging me on how to vote.

And here it is. Obama wants to end 'Racial Profiling'. Racial profiling is fucking useful. You know who isn't a member of the IRA (the first terrorist organization recognized as such by the U.N.)? Someone who's not Irish. Al-Queda members are all Muslim. Of course, pulling all darkies aside for questioning is probably a bad idea, but this should be dealt with internally, rather than at the level of the motherfucking president. And it's not enough that he wants to do this at the federal level, he wants to bribe the state and local levels to do this as well. I'd tell him to go fuck himself, but that's just me.

The next part of his plan I actually agree with. It's the part about drug offenders. Any half-wit knows that drug offenders are going to go back to drugs more than murderers are going to go back to murdering. It's because drugs are fucking addictive. While Obama falls short of just legalizing everything, LIKE THE GOVERNMENT DAMN WELL SHOULD, he does want to increase treatment and reduce incarceration, which is the smart move, I guess.

Also, he wants in eliminate sentencing disparities between crack and powder-based cocaine? I don't know that this is such a big deal, but I can't really say I'm for or against it. If I had to choose, I'd say against, but that's just because I fear change almost as much as I fear commitment.

The next part is the expansion of use of drug courts. Basically what I already said above, but with court in it.

Tired of reading yet? Well suck it up, because that's only half of Obama's Civil Rights Agenda. This next part is more interesting, though, because it's got lesbians. That's right, I'm talking LGBT issues.

The first section is about Hate Crimes. I'm opposed. I mean, making calling someone a 'fag', or describing something as 'gay' a federal offense? C'mon, they're part of the language! You can't get rid of that, it's free speech now.

The next part is about workplace discrimination. Hopefully he's not dumb enough to put quotas in place regarding hiring gays, because if he does I'm coming out of the closet SO FAST I'LL MAKE HIS EYES BLEED RAINBOWS. Also, he wants benefits to legal partners, but more on that below.

And here we are. He supports Full Civil Unions and Federal Rights for LGBT couples. Well, I'm going to one-up him right now, and say that I support Full Civil Unions and Federal rights for STRAIGHT couples, too!

I think the government should get out of marriage. Marriage is a church thing, not a government thing. Make all marriages 'civil unions', give every civil union the same rights concerning property, health insurance, employment benefits, etc, and let the churches deal with 'marriages'. There, we have equality, everyone's fucking equally.

Of course this means Obama is against a Constitutional Ban on Same-Sex Marriage and he wants the Defense of Marriage Act repealed.

Next he wants to repeal the Don't Ask-Don't Tell rule for the military. I think this should be up to the military, personally. They're the ones who have to sleep in the same barracks and support each other under fire, let them decide who they want to fight next to them. If they want a gay, fine. If they don't, also fine. There are non-combat roles that gays can serve in seperate from the rest of the military.

He wants gays to be able to adopt just like straight couples can. If they want to pick through straight people's trash, whatever. I'm pro-trash-picking, so they can go right ahead as far as I'm concerned.

Then there's a bunch of stuff about the AIDS and HIV that I don't really care about. I'll probably care more if I get infected, but that'll mostly be about the hate crime stuff, because I'll kill the fucker who infects me. You better believe it.

One of the dumbest things you'll ever do.

2008-12-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

Having money is one of the most stupid things you could do.

It messes with your head. Look at poor people. If they eat that day, they're happy. People with money, though, look at them. It's never enough (until you get a waverunner). But even when you get a waverunner, you need to store it and fuel it. More money.

One of the best things you can do is convince everyone you know that you're poor. (It helps to actually be poor, like me, but it's not necessary.) That's what I did, and I got free 'charity' food at my high school practically every day. Hell, I got 34 free used PS2 and Xbox games a few days ago, just for mentioning that I wished I could afford a used Xbox at gamestop. Even got some extra controllers. Christmas came early for one poor Irish boy this year.

Now take a look at my grandfather I don't see much. He's retired. He was living off investments he made while he was a commercial pilot. He had kind of a lot of money. But look. Through no fault of his own, he's much, much poorer now. His only hope is to DIE before he runs out of money. Although, I see this as absolutely his fault, because he decided to live in fucking Nevada.

Now, look at me again. I know that I can clothe myself (that is, buy myself enough clothes for a full year) for under $30. Food can be procured for free just by visiting old friends and going to parties. Shelter can be as simple as a sleeping bag and the side of a building, moderately sheltered from rain. Travel is walking (only a little likely to kill you, trust me), or public transportation if you can beg for change for an hour.

And the upside of all this, is that I don't have to maintain anything. No car, no property taxes or insurance payments to worry about, nothing that can be stolen, no worries.

Obviously I'm not a homeless person. My point is that I don't have to worry about this stuff, for the most part. Hell, paying for parking at my school is too much, so I'm leaving my car at home. I can walk as far as I need, and bus fare is only a couple bucks.

As my favorite teacher once told me: "I run from money as fast as I can. I got a doctorate in Theology (Protestant) and work at a Catholic high school." He may be poor, but he's one of the happiest people I know.

So the next time someone complains that they aren't happy, tell them to give me all they're stuff. I'll sell it for soda money, and we'll both be much happier.

The latest from Maddox.

2008-12-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

So, who else is excited for Maddox's latest project? I know I am!

The only reason I actually run this rant blog/site is because Maddox never updates his shit. He got me all pumped up, and there was nothing left to go on. So I made up my own shit. But now it sounds like he may get around to updating his site every two months or so!

The hardest part of doing this, though, is that my life fucking rocks. No, I don't think you understand. The one job I've ever had was talking to people about knives and making them feel bad when mine are way sharper. I graduated top of my class doing no work throughout all of high school. I recently was given $350 worth of used Xbox games, an Xbox and three controllers, for nothing. I moved out of my parents' house, and I've never been happier.

So I can see where Maddox is coming from. A site that gets roughly a hit every second, a book that sells, and he makes his money selling T-shirts off his website. He has someone to go through his mail! And, apparently, he's been getting offered radio deals. That was his fucking dream, man! And he's turning it down because he's surpassed it! No fucking wonder he doesn't do anything anymore. It's hard to get pissed about shit when everything is going fantastic.

So, I'm super excited about this. I had actually played around with the idea of getting a camera and filming myself just ranting about shit, maybe just some of my old, better material from when I had something to be mad about. So I know it's a good idea if I came up with it and then Maddox decides to do it. (I only never did it because I lacked a camera and a place to shoot. It may still happen someday.)

I only hope he makes a downloadable file in a format pre-configured for my iPod video. I could live with a converted file, but one he made I can count on to work right the first time, and I'd be much obliged if he'd do this.

Arab dude throws a shoe. This is news why?

2008-12-15T23:05:00.001-08:00

So, why is this still considered news?

Honestly, no one involved is still even talking about it. Bush was fine, the dude got beat up and dragged away, what's the story here?

If it were me, though, I'd have that man killed. The one who threw the shoe, not Bush. But it's not because he threw the shoe. As you may or may not be aware, I am a fervent supporter of all footwear related projectiles. No, he should have been taken out and shot six times in the head for disrespecting a head of state. There's a point where you just realize that the man you hate controls the largest, most well-trained and well-equipped army the world has ever seen, and enough nukes to turn every solid planet in our system to glass. Maybe straight up throwing a shoe at him is a stupid idea.

And this really ruins it for journalists, the scum of the earth. At least before this they only had to turn in their guns and other weapons of assassination before a press conference. Now they won't even be allowed shoes. Thanks a lot, Reporter McArab!

Journalists blow. They never ask the interesting questions, and they always interpret the news before I get to it. It's like ordering the special at a Chez McFrenchies, and the waiter chews the food before he brings it to you. And then they never let it go. They keep going over the same shit over and over, like it's going to change any time soon.

P.S. Mexicans just aren't rantworthy anymore. They make delicious food, what else is there to say? If you really want a fresh rant, check out John and Ken on KFI. They talk about them like 9 times a week.

I'm taking suggestions.

2008-11-28T21:08:00.001-08:00

Okay, my life has been just FUCKING AWESOME lately, so I haven't had as much to rant about. So I thought I'd take suggestions so I don't get rusty.

You can leave a comment with what you want ranted about. I'll get to it when I get to it, if it's rantworthy. I gotta go learn how to type like a woman to troll their forums...

What the hell is a liberal art?

2008-11-26T23:34:00.000-08:00

What the fuck is up with Liberal Arts majors? Are they just fucking retarded?

I've waited almost a quarter for this: YOU DUMB FUCKS, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR EDUCATION WORTH? WHERE WILL YOU GET THE MONEY TO PAY BACK YOUR STUDENT LOANS?

Let me break it down for all you retards who landed here searching for "good jobs with liberal arts major". There are none. I mean it, you wasted your time and the bank's money when you decided "German studies" was a valid major.

"German studies"? What the fuck? THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO FUCKING LIVE IN GERMANY! How are you going to compete with people who LIVE THERE?

And don't think you're getting off the hook, Queer studies, just because political correctness passed you by (the correct term would be 'fag', as in "I majored in 'fag' for four years, and now I can't get a job). What's there to know? All the different positions? The logistics of a two gay one bisexual man three way? Are there honestly people out there that will pay someone to know this? I guess the bisexual guy might be interested, but that's why we have Wikipedia, people!

Now, on closer inspection of the liberal arts, some sites have math and science listed as 'liberal arts'. Not only is this blatantly incorrect, it's insulting to those who actually take the time to learn something with real-world applications. (Well, not the people who become full-time mathematicians. But what they do will (someday, when physics catches up) be worth something.)

So let me tell you how I see it: there are three types of degrees.

1. Engineering: I put hardcore math and science in here along with real engineering. This degree will get you a job if you don't suck, and if you keep up with your educaation job security is a breeze. Smart people only, please.

2. Business: For the dumbass who just wants to tell people what to do, become a business major. If you can work Excel, you can even be an accountant! This is for dumb people who realize they need a job they can just bullshit their way through. However, job security sucks at the moment, so eventually you will get caught being a dumbass. Who let a bunch of business majors run the economy, anyway?

3. Liberal arts: History, anything with "studies" in it, art, etc... Understand me now, fuckers. This is for dumb people and people who will never need to work a day in their lives because they are so rich. "Political science"? Like anyone is going to know that you're pulling shit out of your ass. Hell, you might get a guy elected once in a while, but mostly you're going to be working college campuses for volunteers and donations with a lame degree like this. These are the guys who thought it would be a good idea to put business majors in charge of the economy, by the way.

Now, look around you. Everything you see, EVERY FUCKING THING, was designed by an engineer. Your computer, your domicile, your speakers, everything! The ship that brought it over from China, everything of value in your house was designed and built by an engineer. We are the only people who actually create things.

Fuck you, liberal arts majors. Fuck you with a shovel.

I have a chest hole. I am the next generation of smuggler.

2008-11-03T12:58:00.000-08:00

Well, if you didn't know about my chest hole before now... I guess you do. Oh well. So I was part of this research study, right? I MADE $150! Other than that, I got some free medical advice. Specifically, the exact name of my 'deformity' as the doctor put it.

Once I got done crying and screaming about how I was 'handicapable, dammit!', he told me the exact name for it. 'Pectus Excavatum.'

You know what that is? It's Latin for 'chest hole'.

...

Shit, I could've told him that. Well, apparently it's also bad for my heart. I've got some long named thing that basically means that one of the nerves in my heart is broken, probably a result of the chest hole, or so he says. It doesn't mess anything up, really, except my EKG does look incorrect.

I TOLD THE DAMN DOCTOR'S WHO PULLED MY WISDOM TEETH OUT THAT MY EKG LOOKED WEIRD, BUT THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME!!!! FUCKERS.

At least I got some free Vicodin. From the wisdom teeth thing. I got paid this time.

If you use Myspace, please read.

2008-10-20T00:45:00.000-07:00

We all use fucking Myspace. We have to, it's where everyone fucking is. It's like how people went to school just to see their friends. Six Flags may have been cooler, but there was no one fucking there!

So, kindly,

STOP POSTING VAGUE SHIT ON MYSPACE.

Seriously, I will come to your house and slice your fucking head off with my Cutco Meat Cleaver you stupid fag. And the cut will be the most fucking clean cut in the damn world because those knives are fucking sharp, unlike you motherfucker. And don't think that everyone should know the second you change your damn relationship status, okay? I never look at your damn page. Ever. I mean it. You fucking tell me when your single, or bi-curious, okay? BECAUSE I WILL NOT LOOK.

And your fucking mood and status. Don't post little cock teases, okay? All you do is push my blood pressure just a bit higher you pretentious cock. "Just get over yourself": I will kill you if you post this. I mean it, what the hell? If you got something to say to someone, MYSPACE IS NOT THE PLACE FOR IT YOU PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ASS-HAT! SEND THEM A GODDAMN MESSAGE TWAT! You child of a plague-infested, cancerous swine, you stop WASTING MY GODDAMN INTERNET! I don't want that shit there, I'm here to send email and post rude comments on your pictures, maybe a bulletin if I think everyone needs to see something, but that's fucking it.

If you just skipped all that just to get to the end, the tl;dr is that I'll fucking murder you and rape your corpse if you post vague shit on myspace anymore. Think I'm fucking kidding? Try me slut. We can just ask your corpse 33-35 minutes later, shithead.

The economy can fuck itself.

2008-10-10T00:56:00.000-07:00

Oh shit, I just realized why everyone is bitching about the economy so much.

It's all the people who deal with debt.

Being too young to enter into foolish debt (student loans don't count, 'specially for med school), I'm getting through this depression just fine. People who borrowed against their land, people with credit cards, and people who dealt with loans are getting fucked with a goddamn mace these days, because their standard of living depended on pretend money. People like me, who understand that money you can't see isn't real, are getting through this just fine. Ever heard of saving, America? Keeps shit like this far away from you.

I can't wait until I'm a doctor. Job security for life, dicks.

Update: my roommate is watching porn while I'm pondering the economy. Who's smarter?

Whoa, it's been a while.

2008-10-10T00:44:00.000-07:00

So, fricking bored again. The internet needs to get bigger WITHOUT my help for once, I read it all. So, as long as you're here waiting for Maddox to fucking update his site (although he did take down the site news blurb from fucking months ago), here's some stuff to ponder.

Firstly, I'm voting McCain. It's fucking sad, I know, and I'll take it out of my own hide, later. I saw Arthur's post here (http://www.arthurshall.com/x_2008_SCOTUS.shtml), so I really have no choice, now do I? The sad, rantable part of this whole soggy mess is that the Supreme Court is so politicized now. We made it almost 200 years, and we fucked it up. Way to go America. Now we've got all kinds of fresh bullshit that should be legislated in the courts, or in the case of DECLARING MOTHERFUCKING WAR, on the desk of a Texan.

Now, Palin is also on the ticket. Her personal email account got hacked. If she can't handle basic internet security, how in the world is she going to handle national security? Fuck her. And her slut daughter, little pregnant bitch.

Finally, I met some really nice, if naive people on a popular image board on 4chan.org. It's /b/, the random board. They seem really nice, is all, go talk to them. Just let them know you're new, and they'll help you out no problem.

And that's about it.

Myspace cunts: lock 'em up for their own safety.

2008-09-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

I have met the most stupid, foolish person I feel I will ever meet. Everyone knows those news reports that come out all the time about how Myspace is dangerous, and how stupid girls wind up with guys way older than them and are either kidnapped or returned to their parents fairly quickly, right? Well, I thought I would never meet one of those fools. I thought they were one in a billion.

I was wrong.

I met a girl so STUPID, that she not only decided that she's "in love" with a man 16 years older than her, she decided to meet him in person. What a fucking retard. *She got caught before they did, obviously, as she's still around* Apparently, she still thinks that she's going to wait until she turns 18, then she'll live happily ever after.

Dumb cunt, and she met him when she was 13, too. How fucking stupid do you have to be to not read those news stories and think, "hm, I'M A WALKING CLICHE! HOW FUCKING DUMB AM I?" God, it makes me sick that these kinds of people can figure out how to get on the internet. I'm taking Darwin's side on this one, she deserves to be with this guy. She'll either get kidnapped, raped, and possibly killed, or they'll hook up, divorce in a few years when she gets too old for the pedophile, and she'll be emotionally scarred for life and will have too much baggage to ever form a meaningful relationship again.

The worst part of it is, I overlooked her glaring faults for quite some time. The first impression is always the right one, and judging books by their covers is the best way to judge books. A boring cover goes on a boring book, and a dumb cunt will, inevitably, act like a dumb cunt.

That said, the last seven months were a fucking waste of my time. And that was with the mindset, going into it, that it would just be for fun. Goddamn, I just love when people find a way to take away even my past happiness away from me when they make me look like a fool. Her parents, surprisingly, seem to still like me, and they fed me delicious food occasionally. They rock. It really is too bad that their spawn is so shameful. My professional opinion, as a Captain, is that she be kept in the basement for the next two years and not be let out for any reason, for her own good, of course. What's next? Getting in cars with complete strangers because they need help finding their lost puppy and they offered you candy, too?

The only good news that's come of all this is, suddenly, I understand where Vicodin addicts are coming from. Where's my stash...

Get fucking used to it, this is art.

2008-09-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

When is the last time you created something people chose to look at on it's own merit, not becasue they know you?

When was the last time you created something that made people think outside of their comfort zone? Or that generated controversy? Or that challenged the status quo?

When was the last time you created something that was not only worth your time, but the time of the people who saw it? When was the last time that something wasn't you?

Fuck you, this is art. More than the shit you put out, or are studying to vomit onto the world for money. Don't waste my time telling me that what I write is hurtful. I KNOW!!! I'm introducing you to thoughts different from yours, fucking deal with it.

Yet another thing girls are bad at.

2008-09-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

Why is it that girls are so bad at indie rock? Like the stuff you can here on KROQ?

Katy Perry and Paramore really suck. Like, not the good way, either. The lyrics suck, the vocals suck, the singers themselves are just BAD. The only good stuff is the drums and guitar, which is surprisingly hard to screw up.

Actually, scratch that, they screw that up, too, sometimes. The only reason they have a market is because it's kind of novel to have a female leading the group. My English Sensei once said that bands with girls are doomed to failure, either because the girl shows up the rest of the band and they stop trying, or because the girl actually does suck, and no one has the balls to put her down because she's so good at giving head.

So the radio plays it because, surprise surprise, girls like music by other girls. Too bad none of it's any good. It's kind of like the black people movies that never really fail, even though they all suck.

Now, there is one female singer that can do no wrong in my book. Rihanna. I just love everything she touches, everything she puts out (and boy does she put out, let me tell you). Every song I really like on the radio is by her, and they all manage to sound different from each other unlike traditional rap. And as hip-hop, it's tolerable because she has a great voice. So I got her CD, and it's good. I'd pay for the rest of them, especially as they're old and selling for cheap, haha.

So, basically, if you like Paramore or Katy Perry, you like music that sucks. If you like Rihanna, however, stay the fuck away from me. Most of her fans are idiots (basically, every single one that I've met so far other than me).

Pissed off on the internet, not a good place to be.

2008-09-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

Goddamn it you're pissing me off.

I'm sick of the way you assume your life is so important, more important than me and everyone else around you. It's not that freaking important. Who gives a damn about the characters announced for some stupid RPG mash up that you will wind up hating a year after you beat it because it changes the storyline and the characters. And, more importantly, why the hell do YOU care?

I hate the way you assume being educated, and good at learning is not as important as the ability to play an early 90s DOS game in all its infinite variants. Just because I can't finish every damn level as fast as you doesn't mean that I'm wasting my time, and I certainly don't appreciate being told that every fucking time I see you. My time is far more important to me than to be wasted on television shows and fucking games.

Although, come to think of it, fucking-games would be a hell of a lot of fun. Get back to me on that.

I especially dislike your inability to do the work, and the amount of cajoling it takes you to do it. If I were your parents, I'd have let you fail consistently until you turned 18, then dropped your sorry ass on the streets. Damn straight I would have! You can either compromise with the world, or grow your own damn food. And basic algebra as a freshman in college? AND NOT KNOWING THE ORDER OF OPERATIONS!!!!!???! What the fuck were you doing all through high school?

But, you know, you could get a job doing what you like. There actually is a fucking market for video games, if you can do it well enough. But guess what? Real coding, not manipulating someone else's code, actually learning a language, takes work and time. And a basic understanding of math, apparently. And your art? Childish, to say the least. You need to take some classes and learn how to do some really good drawings in 2d, then move up to full-blown 3d drawings, because that's where the money is.

And you complain because, in exchange for free room, board, food, and utilities, you have to suffer the indignity of three classes at the community college: basic algebra, astronomy, and walking. That's right, a class where all you do is WALK! And you have the gall to complain.

So fuck you: when I move even farther away from where you live, I'll make a point of ignoring you, because you've pissed me off one too many times. I'm bigger than you, and I'm going places. You're not.

Fuck off.

Make the world a funner place; with porn!

2008-09-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

Ways to make the world a funner place.

-Use words like "funner" around English Majors and watch them squirm.

-Print off a bunch of free porn, and leave it under windsheild wipers in supermarket parking lots. Extra points if it's a church parking lot.

-Leave the want-ads near your friends computer with jobs available highlighted, especially if they play WoW and RPGs alot.

-Abuse the casual friday priveleges at your work, crossdressing recommended.

-Claiming to have a contagious disease, or that you have motherfucking Tourrete's Syndrome.

-Get your iPhone to make the Mario collecting coin noise whenever you jump.

-Play the 2 girls, 1 cup music in public places, to see who becomes physically ill.

-If you haven't seen it yet, watch the 2 girls, 1 cup video.

-Show an unsuspecting victim that horrible, horrible video.

-Key "NOTW My Ass!!!" on evangelical christians' cars, they'll love it.

College Safety Training

2008-09-09T15:25:00.001-07:00

So, my college requires all the incoming students to take online classes about safety. They are, on the whole, pretty lame.

ALCOHOL TRAINING:

-passed without reading any of the material presented other than most of the answers to the questions.

-full of crappy pictures

In all, I feel I learned very little, other than lots of people at my college have alcohol, and there is nobody so friendly and sharing than a drunk college student.

SEXUAL ASSAULT TRAINING:

-not nearly as fun as the title suggests.

-full of hot, vulnerable young girls in dark alleys, my favorite of all scenarios.

-advises me to intimidate, coerce, and impair my victims' judgment with drugs and alcohol.

-58% of assaults go unreported, so flip a coin! Heads and your safe!

-apparently, 48% of men in college are rapists... but those were all straight, so I should be fine.

-passed, again, without reading much of the material except for comedic value. Whatever dumbass actually learns something from this deserves to be taken out back and shot.

-wow, this is hilarious... "John is your friend and while having lunch with him he tells you he has something important to talk to you about:

You know that John has been dating Bob for over a year now and that they have engaged in consensual sex many times before. John tells you that one night, Bob came over to his apartment for dinner. After dinner, they started kissing on the couch. John said that Bob started taking his clothes off and saying that he wanted to have sex, but John was feeling tired and not in the mood. Bob laughed at him and said “If you were a real man, you’d have sex with me.” After repeating that he was just really tired and didn’t feel like it, Bob mocked him, saying: “Come on, stop being such a pussy.” John admitted that after Bob’s persistent comments, he had sex with him. John tells you he is not sure whether or not it was rape but he knows he feels violated."

Wow, good thing Bob got John to man up. I was worried because, you know, gays aren't really known for being "real men". Just saying...

Haha, here's another one:

"Todd and Tracy have gone on a couple of dates. On their third date, Todd asks her if she'd like to head back to his place and Tracy agrees.

Once they get in the car, they begin passionately kissing and touching one another. Tracy says, "I don't want to have sex with you", and Todd responds by asking what she'd like to do. Tracy says that she just wants to mess around. Todd asks if Tracy is willing to have oral sex with him and she agrees.

In the middle of the act, Todd starts saying, "I really want to have sex with you", and he begins to unbutton her pants. Tracy gets worried that things are getting out of hand, and she says she wants to stop. He apologizes for scaring her and says that they wont have sex, but asks her to at least finish with the oral sex. Tracy refuses because she is uncertain that he will stop if they continue.

Todd puts his hand on the back of her head and pushes her down saying, "Come on". Tracy resists and he pushes harder. She continues to resist for a couple of minutes, and Todd gets frustrated. He moves his hand and says, "Fine. I thought you liked me but if you really liked me, you would finish". At this point, Tracy reluctantly gives in and finishes the oral sex. "

First off, Todd is a douche, and you shouldn't really be having full on sex in a car, most are too cramped to try out new stuff other than getting the gear shift accidentally stuck up your ass while shifting positions. Not a fun time, let me tell you. Second, Tracy could have stopped the advances at any time. It's called bite the motherfucker while he's forcing you. That, or bust out some CUTCO and shank his ass. Third, their names both start with T, which is just retarded.

Other than the retarded scenarios/erotica and the suggestive pictures during the test, it wasn't very interesting or educational. This is information that could easily be picked up on the streets in like a week, no problem. I mean, that's how I passed the test.

I'm a cannibal.

2008-09-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

Oh My God.

If I could only go back; I wouldn't have been speeding. I would have had both hands on the wheel. I would have been paying attention.

I'm a horrible person.

I thought he was just jaywalking. I didn't know he'd stop in front of me. I thought he would move, I swear! And then...

I ran him over. Or her, I actually couldn't tell what gender it was after the collision.

It was bad.

The way he just kinda fluttered in front of me, and I hit him. It's burned into my brain forever.

So yes, I did it. I hit a butterfly.

I don't know why he was on the street. Maybe he was heading home to see his little pupas, maybe he was drunk. All I know is, he's dead now, AND I KILLED HIM! (Actually, this doesn't bother me as much as it might seem.)

I immediately swerved across three lanes of traffic on the busiest road in Hemet (the one leading out), causing several other minor collisions (only 6 fatalities, 9 injured. Nothing like a butterfly). He was pinned to the grill of my car, what could I do? I got over to the side of the road, got out, and scraped him into my hand. He only had one wing left for God's sake!

Oh, if only I'd paid attention in Boy Scouts! Butterfly first aid was the only first aid I didn't learn! How it came back to haunt me on the side of that road...

I was pretty bad at first aid, and knots, and camping, actually. I mostly used the time outdoors to sell drugs to other campers.

A cop was coming, I needed to hide the body. My car looked fine, or, well, not so bad. So it was just the body. I'd heard that to hide a joint, you eat it and they can't prosecute, so...

Well, it tasted like cricket, actually. I was expecting a more moth-y flavor, but I was pleasantly surprised.

And that's the story of how I became a cannibal.

Contrarians, beware!

2008-09-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

Goddamn it I'm so pissed at torrents right now, I'm going to rant and Dammit you're going to read it.

Okay, the contrarians are gone, welcome back everyone.

Hahaha, okay, let's do this. I donate blood, and it is one of the most manly things to do, but only before your family member needs your blood. One of the main problems I have with donating blood is that with every erection, I risk passing out.

Problem 1: Assuming badass Cooley contains 1 gallon of blood prior to donation, and only donates 1 pint, how much blood must his dick use to become erect to risk passing out? Assume Cooley weighs ~150 lbs.

Bleeding for charity is really the only excuse to bleed at all. Real men only bleed on purpose, and donating blood never happens by accident. Thus, whatever it was I said.

So far I've donated 3 pints, I can't wait to go back and donate again. And they want me back, too. I'm the Universal Donor. Everyone can have my blood, it's delici... I mean compatible. Yeah, that's what I meant.

Plus, some blood banks make it a contest. The most I've ever seen donated in a lifetime was 64 gallons. Shit, it would take 86 years of donating to the max to top that. I'll just have to donate someone else's blood, too, to make my goal.

That, or over-donate. Because, really, who needs all 8 pints? Not me, hell, I don't even really need both kidneys. I don't run marathons. And I hear they go for 10k on the black market. I'm game if you are. Just email me, and you're paying for the surgery, too.

I bet I could get by on... 5 pints. I think. Are there any doctors in the crowd tonight? It's your duty to stop me from going to far, by which I mean egg me on until I pass out.

*thunk*

Banner ads > Text ads

2008-08-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

Banner ads are more effective than text ads.

Fuck you Google.

Yeah, I'm not going to lie: I'd rather have fifty subtle text ads than a flashing banner ad that only catches internet n00bs like the elderly or Africans. But a well put together banner ad seen day after day on heavily trafficked sites like, say, Yahoo!? or the CCC, is way more effective than a shotgun approach. And it's not even like spam, where maybe some guy really does need his dick enlarged, so you got him. It's more like you shoot, let the shot fall to the ground, and hope someone digs in the grass and weeds and picks it up, THEN puts the ball in their pocket and takes it home with them. THAT's a text ad that Google uses.

And that's why I've finally taken mine down. They just don't work. I thought I'd get some money out of it, but I haven't got diddly squat. So fuck Google, I'm putting up my own ads. Hey, I've got you here anyways, right? Might as well promote my causes for no money than Google's causes for... no money.

So, you can check my banner if you want. Or the side bar. I'm really too lazy to maintain more than two banners, and, being well put together, see if I don't get in your head. Like a flesh eating mind virus, bwahahahaha!

The Military: A Rant.

2008-08-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

The military's really managed to piss me off. Where the fuck do people going to a military college get off thinking that because they go to a "hard school" that they work harder or are more honerable than me at a state college? Or maybe we need some pictures of military-sponsored atrocities to remind them that they are no worse or better than us.

This kind of shit makes me sick. If civilians did this, they'd be put in jail immediately, and the trial would be swift. But, because you're in the military, this shit goes unnoticed for weeks, and then we can't even try you for torture because "there's a war going on, and we need everyone". My grandfather served in WWII, and he wouldn't stand for this if he was alive.

Do they think everyone who goes to college drinks, parties, and screws around? Some of us are working our asses off to pay for our own college at jobs that most people can't do. YOU try convincing Mrs. Jones that she needs to buy a thousand dollars worth of knives from someone she's known for less than an hour AND give me the names and phone numbers of all her friends so I can give them the same talk. Oh wait, you don't have to, do you, because you've got your Uncle Sam paying your way through college so they can have a warm body in that uniform when they send it abroad to shit all over other countries' sovereign right! Fuck you. I'm studying so I can actually help people heal from their injuries, paying for all of it on my own, or taking out loans that I will be paying for all on my own. I don't get a handout from the government. I get to work.

This is one of the hardest, most rewarding jobs in the world. I love it, even if it is hard at times. I couldn't ask for a better job for right now, and I take pleasure knowing that if the entire military was put into this job, Mrs. Jones would walk all over them and they'd never set up apptointment one. Vector Marketing is a real job, not blind obedience.

Oh, you think because you go through intense physical training AND have to pass your "hard classes" that you're better than me? Well I don't have time to study scheduled around my drill instruction. I have to learn to manage my own time. I have to find time to study, work, trasport myself to work, sleep, eat, and still have time to meet new people in my city because I know that if I don't sell enough, I have to drop out and transfer to some lame ass community college. And hey, if I have spare time, maybe play a sport, join a club, volunteer at a hospital so I have something to put on my resume AND MAYBE spend some time with friends.

Sleeping, Studying, Class Time and Work to pay for it all leave me with 20 hours a week, almost all of which will be spent eating. And that Other? Basic hygeine and laundry. I don't have time to feel self righteous with this schedule.

And am I complaining? You bet your ass I am. Are you pretending you won't? You won't bitch about your drill instructor during your dinner when you think he can't here you? Fucking LIAR! And then you go on to say that you accept your hardships because you know it's the road less travelled. Fuck you.

Did you know that one in four homeless people is a U.S. Military Veteran? Do you know WHY??? It's because they don't actually learn life skills in the military. They don't learn time management because they are told what to do every single second. They don't learn innovative thinking because "obedience" is so much more important for cannon fodder to learn. You get robots, but dumber.

Most of the people in this picture, were they from America, would wind up homeless in the real world. Turns out losing your ability for free thinking isn't such a good idea after all, you twats.

Not only that, but they learn bad habits in the military. When your whole barracks gets punished if someone fucks up, you start to cover for that person. Great on the battlefield, but anyone can see that this leads to some serious shit getting covered up.

Most of these pricks couldn't cut it in the real world, so they joined the military straight out of high school or are going to some military "college" where they can learn how to yell at their fellow soldiers. I mean, these guys are sad. The only reason I have the will to rant at these fuckheads is that I've seen one to many of them get self-righteous in front of me.

Fuck you military twats: enjoy your "honor" and "discipline" when all it gets you is a dirty street corner in a big heartless CIVILIAN FILLED city.

Guest Article: Miley Cyrus is dead (rejoice!)

2008-08-17T18:57:00.001-07:00

Hey all two people that read my site. This is guest article from my more journalistically minded friend. I just hope Miley Cyrus doesn't become a fucking theme on this site. She goes by the letter V, not to be confused with the British V, who had a kind of Vendetta against fascism.

And yes that was a pun.

As news reports have just confirmed, Miley Cyrus has died of a massive drug overdose. Cyrus, at a mere age of 16, was arguably the most popular figure to come from Disney since Mickey Mouse. The teen star began her career with the Disney television "Hannah Montana" in which she protrayed a girl who led a double life: one as a teen superstar singer and one as a regular person. The show had massive appeal to kids ages five to twelve.

New reports about the show had conclusive evidence that the show may have been a giant metaphor for shitzophrenia. Representatives from the Walt Disney company refused to comment. During the run of the show, Cyrus began to tour the United States, both as Miley Cyrus and as Hannah Montana. Hugely successful, movies and record deals followed the tours. In her short sixteen years of life, Cyrus released three albums. However, it seems that with success came controversy. Several racy photographs of Cyrus were leaked unto the internet. The photographs were seemingly taken by Cyrus herself and showed her in several states of undress. A couple months after the photos, it seemed that things had taken a turn for the worse. Reports of Cyrus entering nightclubs while still underage emerged. Soon, eyewitness accounts were taken of Cyrus in varying states of debauchery. However, no one would know how truly horrible the situation had become until after her death. According to exclusive sources we can report the night of the Miley Cyrus's death in detail.

The night apprently began with clubbing which became something of a routine for Cyrus. Drinking, snorting illegal substances such as cocaine and heroin were all old hat to Cyrus. However, on this night things would not go as expected. As her usual dealer began to 'cut lines' of cocaine and heroin, Cyrus decided to take matters into her own hands. She took the bag (which was a mixture of the aforementioned cocaine and heroin) and began to draw a line that would amaze even the most devoted junkies: three feet long. When someone attempted to warn her about the dangers, she shrugged them off and said, "I'm fucking Miley Cyrus! I can do it!" We are sad to say she did. As she began to snort the line of drugs, witnesses say that she fell short of the three foot mark and her head hit the table. She was dead. Friends who claim they were at the death scene expressed sorrow that she could not finish the line. "It was always a personal goal for her to finish. 'Leave the table as clean as a feather duster' she used to say," states a young man of about 17 who refused to give his name.

At the request of her family, an autopsy was performed. Although they attempted to make the results private, they were leaked and revealed the following: several types of drugs present, and several types of venereal diseases. Two of which were previously thought only to exclusive afflict primates. Zoologists around the world are intrigued and have asked the family for further examination of Cyrus's body. The family has so far refused. Hopefully the family may change their minds in the future as many exciting scientific breakthoughs may be pending on this discovery.

Hopefully it will not be this scientific contribution that Miley Cyrus will be remembered for. Rather we hope it will be her devotion to her fans, her ~~critically acclaimed~~ music, and perhaps her life as a warning for other rising stars feeling the pressure of fame. We offer the family our condolences.

Fannypacks rock! Fuck you wormbrain!

2008-08-16T00:35:00.000-07:00

Fanny packs are fucking awesome, and wormbrain can go to hell. For those of you who are wondering, I found some random dipshit who thinks that fanny packs are gay. Well fuck you, wormbrain, except you're probably a poorly disguised homophobic internet zombie.

Fucking internet zombies, always ragging on lifestyles and shit. You can recognize them by the lack of new thought and knee jerk reactions to views different from their own. Oh, that and the dried blood. Dead give-away, that.

Fanny packs rule, just ask Josh Tobin, who also rocks socks. (What letter do you change to imply homosexuality in that sentence?) For reals, my pockets aren't big enough for my wallet, iPod, phone, Cutco knives, VW bug, OR your mom. And, in case you don't like your shit getting it on all in the same pouch, you can have seperate pouches! Fucking amazing!

Now my iPod and my phone won't mate and form some kind of crazy expensive high end phone/iPod hybrid that comes with a huge two year contract... What would they call it? The cell-pod? Or how about the useless gadget you will still all buy, even though you already have a phone and an iPod and they already both fit in your pocket at the same time.

So, wormbrain, fuck you. I don't even know who you are, except that you're a big douche internet zombie. Or maybe a raptor, who knows if you wear hats or not.

If you're from xkcd, no, belial is not the guy I'm mad at. I love Belial. I want his children. If you're reading this, Belial, please don't hate me? Even if you aren't a raptor, I respect your razor sharp claws!

I plan to get a fanny pack as soon as I'm cool enough. That's right, even the Captain isn't automatically awesome enough for a fanny pack. You have to earn it. Like a man. This involves liberal application of lighter fluid to bears and Cutco cutlery, so most people can't do it. Especially as this is how Pandas became so endangered.

Wormbrain: I will come to your house, and... shit, I don't even know. TP it or something. WITH MY FANNY PACK ON!!! And maybe I'll hire someone to rape you, I dunno. Damn, I can't even focus, my shipment of bud is late... I'm Jones'n pretty bad, here. By which I mean, I just got done banging the Jones' little girl, Kaylie, who is hot! Way hotter than wormbrain's mom. So fuck you wormbrain, in the ass with a rusty farberware knife! Only inferior knives for your asshole, zombie!

PUT OUT MORE!!!

2008-08-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

Could somebody please explain to me what the big deal is with cheating? Everyone I talk to says it's unforgiveable, even if you only went on three dates with the person. C'mon, we got nothing exclusive, get over it. I was checking you out, and you know what? When you put out, I'm less likely to up and fuck some slut. Okay?

It's not even that big a deal. My body's not a temple or an amusement park. It's FSM's gift to everyone around me. I'll be brutally honest with you, 'cuz I got nothing to hide. Or, at least I'm quick on the draw when I do lie...

...

Anyways, cheating is only when you're married, or at the most engaged. Before I give you that ring, it's yours to lose. Kinda like the Olympics, but with less viewership and way more enthusiasm from the porn industry.

So, put out a bit more. Straddle that line between putting out and being a whore. If you do it right, everyone will want you, even if they do wind up with the whore at the end of the night. If you mess it up: whore. You whore. If you're a girl and you're reading my internet, you're a whore.

I love insulting people I probably know as a giant group. Stereotypes save valuable thinking time for more stereotypes.

So, Stacy? Put out more, or you're going to find out how many of your friends I visited while you were visiting family in Sweden. Goddamn your friends are hot. AND they put out!

Fucking gangs, ruining my day.

2008-08-02T02:05:00.000-07:00

So, what's up with those "bad words"?

You know the ones, those words we're just not supposed to say. And by we I mean the group that society has decided can't use those words. Take the n-word for example. Asians and Caucasians can't use it, at all. We get ostracized from society, and if we're really unlucky, we can get shot for saying it to the wrong person. But what about any fucking black person? What the fuck?! They can use that word all they fucking want, and sometimes they're praised for it. Fuckers. It's not fair.

I mean, is the word bad or not? If it's an objectively bad word, one that should not be used because of its history, then nobody should use it. Period. End of discussion, pack your bags and bust out a thesauras, whatever you gotta do, do it. But don't use that word unless you like being ostracized from society.

But if one group can use it, what's the point? It means that people who find the damn word offensive will still get exposed to it. And you'd think that blacks would be the last people to want that word spoken. But you know what? They don't really care. They don't mind the word as a symbol of oppresion of an entire fucking race of people, they care about sticking it to the man, whitey.

How fucking racist. Fuck the nigger community. And not the black community, I mean the niggers that call themselves that. A name is something you call yourself, and let others call you by. Well guess fucking what? They're fucking niggers. Especially the ones in gangs. Fuck all but they piss me off.

Gangs ruin life for everyone else. The old gangs were best, the ones run by, get this, white people. They didn't vandalize for the fuck of it, they were making money bootlegging. Now you get drugs illegalized, and niggers step in to sell it to, get this, other blacks. At least the old gangs had some loyalty to others in their race, blacks are sell outs, and have been since the days of slavery when they would enslave each other and sell them to Europeans. Today's gangs just like to make enough money to buy guns (and more drugs) so they can go after rival gangs. And they let civilians get hurt! I seriously believe that if you come across some gang activity, you are honor bound to grab a gun and kill them all. Stupid fuckers all deserve to die anyway.

And what the fuck is up with white people using the slur "cracker"? How fucking demeaning. I don't tolerate this shit. Someone calls me that I immediately tell them to take it back. If they do, fine, whatever. But if they don't I kick their fucking ass with a tire iron. There are just some people that need a tire iron to the back of the head.

Fuck gangs, fuck words that I shouldn't use. Fuck that shit.

*Haha, to the people that thought I'd had some kind of gang encounter. I'll write something like that another time when I'm not so pissed off.

An epiphany.

2008-07-25T02:45:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany of manliness the other day, and I've graciously decided to let you all in on it.

Short hair > Long hair.

Absolutely. I was talking with one of my many harem-girls the other day, and she wanted me to save my long-ish hair. Her reasoning? She likes something to play with while I fuck her senseless, gives her something to do, y'know? I sure didn't, so I was thinking to myself, well, guys don't have anything to really play with except...

MAN-EPIPHANY!

And it makes so much sense! What else would they play with? This can only be better for me in the long run. Now I don't have to guide them back to what they were supposed to be doing the whole time anyway! Fantastic.

And not only that, but there are other benefits to short hair, too. For one thing, I can spend less time washing my hair and more time in gladiator battles. When the wind blows, it's much more ominous if none of your body parts move in the wind, rather than having a fucking wind-vane on your head.

And real men haven't had long hair in years. Real men have jobs where they kick ass or fool the weak, slaughter their own meat, and have short hair while they do so. Long-haired people, commonly known as "hippies", are much more feminine, likely to be vegetarian, and concerned with endangered species. They simply are not manly, and for that, I will now challenge them all to pistols at dawn. I bid you... Adieu.

Fucking Lumberjacks, be more manly.

2008-07-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

What's the deal with lumberjacks these days? Manly as all lumberjacks are, what the fuck are they doing whining on TV about how dangerous their jobs are? They should be doing that in bars! Fighting bears, pirates, ninjas, and giant squid, as is their custom! And then they should get back to de-flowering America's virgin forests! It's their fucking job! The eco-system of manliness could collapse if they stay on TV.

But this is just a symptom of the pussification of America. People are way to willing to give up their freedom to be manly just so some badass Captain of some sort, probably a really Cool kind of Captain, doesn't steal their land and de-flower their virgins. If the Founding Fathers could see what we've done with their country, they'd join me in lawless piracy on the open seas/freeways. Car-mounted naval cannons seem like a bad idea on paper, but they can be made to work with a complicated system of counterweights and slave labor.

Everyone's so scared of fucking terrorists. You know how to stop a terrorist? Kill him when you see him. If there had been more pirates riding the skies on 9/11, there would have been... well, more hijackings, actually. After all, they are pirates. But they wouldn't have been crashed into buildings. Passengers would have been let out at some distant port and the planes would have been used for smuggling ventures and adventures and whatnot. Not some weak-ass slap in the face of a philosophy from a bunch of people who don't even drink grog.

Let me tell you how to stop terrorism on planes: no guns. Simple as that, you can't bring your guns into the cabin with you, it stays in the cargo hold. And no bombs in the cargo hold. But anything else goes: crossbows, scimitars, rapiers, broadswords, katanas, brass knuckles, the works. Some terrorist wants the plane, he's got to take down a plane full of pissed off business people who have presentations to prepare, and will NOT put up with his shit. I'd be the first to strike. Hell, I'd go on long flights just so I could fight some terrorists.

But, the sad fact is that they've won. The terrorists, I mean. When the frighten people into declaring war on foreign countries, upsetting the delicate balance of their own government, and giving up their own civil liberties, they've won. Really, what do the terrorists want? To get rid of manliness where they see it so they can't be stopped, right? Well guess what, America? You just won their war for them. If I want to launch an attack on some port with my crew, and I use my cellphone to set it up, I can get caught, thanks to you fucks. Now we have to coordinate by mail, which for some reason is more protected than an actual conversation happening in real time.

As soon as I get my ship in... well, ship-shape, I'm taking off. You fuckers can enjoy your fascist dictatorship weith periodic useless elections. I'm off to become the terror of the seas. Have fun declaring war on the ocean for harboring me, ya fucks.

Awesomeness (in movies)

2008-07-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

You know what makes movies great? Awesomely choreographed fight scenes. Parts of the Matrix, Dragonball Z, and KungFu Panda were all great movies, because they had awesome fight scenes all the way through. And yes, I know that Dragon Ball Z is a cartoon series, not a movie, get off my back! But that's what makes movies great. Not plot, or character development, or even really good CGI animation and digital touch up of EVERY FUCKING SCENE, its awesome fight scenes. 300 was awesome because of the fight scenes, and I didn't even notice the digital touch up of every scene, almost.

Almost.

But yeah, that's what makes a movie. Or a lot of rich people. Rich people are awesome, I love hearing what they're up to and watching their lives obsessively, right? That's why the Titanic was such a great movie. Because most of the time it was really rich people acting rich in a rich environment, richly.

The only crappy parts were all the middle and lower class people. The only good class is the upper class, of course!

Does this mean I'm not communist? Absolutely! Why should everyone be equally poor when I have a chance to be really rich? That sounds like a better idea than everyone getting what they need to survive. If my happiness depends on people I don't know, will never meet, and likely never even know about being miserable, I guess I'm okay with that. And don't tell me that, as a spirit, if you were offered a choice you wouldn't choose what I just described.

Big spirit: Okay, you can be an aristocrat who makes others miserable to bring him momentary pleasure thoughout his life, or you can be a peasant in America who causes no one anywhere any pain. What's your choice? Oh, and if you choose peasant, aristocrats will make you miserable so you can provide them with quality life distractions.

You: Uh, the first one, duh! Let's get life on!

See? Communism sucks. Just say no.

Not everyone can rant. Or sell knives. Get over it.

2008-07-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

You know what? Writing rants is harder than it looks.

Ok, not really, but it's still beyond most people. Don't believe me? Try it sometime. Then save it and read it in a couple days. Does it make you laugh? Do you become... indignant? Are you motivated to tell all your friends how awesome this site is?

Because you should be by now.

And you know what? It's hard even for me. Ranting is way easier when you've got lots of free time, no real commitments, and an anger issue that needs regular release. Positive thinking can KILL a rant site. Unfortunately my job really does require positive thinking, which is really fucking me over rant-wise.

Oh yeah, you all don't know. I got a fucking job, bitches! I'm making money! Fuck you all, and especially you, Google Adsense! You suck, you never earned me any money. I hate you, but I'm too lazy to take down the ads, so whatever.

I get paid, get this, to talk about knives. Can you believe it? I get paid TO. TALK. ABOUT. KNIVES. That's it. And yes, it is Cutco knives, I do work at Vector, and can we shut the fuck up about how manipulative they are? Just because they make you do work, and pay you more ONLY WHEN YOU GET BETTER, and they don't pay for your gas, and they don't pay for your training, so freaking what? It's not that bad. I'm successful, I already made all my money back, and I'm starting to profit. Plus, what the hell, you don't like sharp knives? Get the fuck off my site. No, really, right now. I hate you.

I mean, if you really only work for the money, you suck. You should make money doing something you like. Really, just because I got my dream job on my first try with no advance thought doesn't make me an exception, it makes me a rule. Get it? I rule. Haha LAUGH READERS!

If I worked at Subway, I would love it. I'd eat sandwiches all day. Right now I cut up pennies in my spare time just because I can. If I worked at Juice it up I'd drink smoothies all day. If I worked at Borders I'd tell people what to read all day. Plus, I'd steal books and return them when I'm done with them.

Basically, I'd like any job I had. Because I'd make it fun. Fun is a choice, bitches, it doesn't fall in your lap. You have to choose it. Or was it success that was a choice? I dunno, I slept through training.

Oh man I'm glad I was reading Thilo's site today, it totally got me in the mood to rant. Fucking great site. You should all read it. I'm serious, do it. And add him on myspace. He won't add me for some reason, but whatever I'M STILL COOL RIGHT???

Meh, whatever. I can't really think of anything that's pissing me off right now, so comment me or email me your suggestion for my next rant. If it's worth anything I'll totally plagiarize you.

Shut the fuck up about Shakespeare!

2008-06-24T14:51:00.000-07:00

Goddammit, it's good literature. WE KNOW! We know it's incredible and great for its time period and its still relevant to people today. But that doesn't mean you have to fucking go on and on about it like it JUST FUCKING HAPPENED! Because it didn't. People have been talking about it since it came out in the fucking 1500s! Five hundred years of literary criticism and you think the shit you're spouting is anywhere near original?! Newsflash: it's not!

This is the guy everyone is so gay for. And it's obvious why he was so good at literature, I mean, look at that nine-head. Fuckers got twice the brain as me, but guess what? I've got indoor plumbing, bitch!

And if you want to impress me with your "knowledge" of Shakespeare's work, why don't you mention one of his lesser known sonnets? Or one of his lesser known plays? How about Titus Andronicus? Cymbeline? King Lear?!?! Of course not, because you've only read fucking Romeo and Juliet or Hamlet or Macbeth! You fucktard, those plays have been beaten to death with literary criticism!

This is one of Shakespeare's other plays, the Comedy of Errors. Next thing you know people will be telling me Shakespeare liked to write about twins! Fucking twats.

When I tell you I prefer literature (not necessarily prose or poetry, I consider certain webcomics and songs and WHATEVER I think is literature to be literature) written in my lifetime to that written before I was born, it does not mean that I think all those years of literature were wasted, or that they suck. And it's certainly not an attack on your fucking preferences! That's just how I fucking feel!

And you know what? Why even mention Shakespeare? Why not mention someone else from that time period, like Kit Marlowe? Oh, that's right, because you didn't read jackshit in your fucking literature class except Shakespeare because it's fucking EASY! Shakespeare has had English literature in a fucking deathgrip because of people like you that won't read anything else, and now anything other than Shakespeare is beyond you!

Goddammit, I just get so tired of fuckheads telling me Shakespeare is great. I know, okay? Let it fucking go. Really, let it go and broaden your fucking horizons. Read something new, join a forum online about literature written in YOUR fucking lifetime. You can talk about Willie when you get your PhD in English Literature, got it? That's the new rule.

You don't get to see what a PhD in English looks like. Not until you earn it. I know you fuckers were just going to photoshop your names in and print it off, but fuck you I won't be a party to your blatant forgery.

Because you're just parroting when you talk about Shakespeare, okay? You need that degree just so you know EVERYTHING that's been written and said about him up to this point. So get over yourself, you're not more cultured, you just reveal your own cultural limitations.

And, so that this post doesn't go over the heads of my audience, fuck emos. They're shit doesn't count period.

Screamers are... ok, I guess...

2008-06-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

"Kinda like, finding out she's a screamer."

So, if you listen to KCAL in the Inland Empire, you know what I'm talking about. But I don't really get what's so great about chicks that scream when they are, or are about to, orgasm.

No, really, it's kind of a turnoff. I mean, you're working, (by which I mean I'm working, because I'm sure my readership is far too lame to get a girl in the sack.) getting her to go, and all of a sudden she starts screaming.

So immediately I back off. "What? Did my enormous cock tear right through your uterus?" And she's all "Oh, no! Don't stop I was loving it!"

I can't do it. I've torn way too many hookers in half in moments of passion during my early adolescent years to not assume* a scream means anything but pain. If you start screaming, and I'm touching you (by which I mean hammering violently), I'm going to back off.

I certainly don't scream, but I can see where half the girls in my harem are coming from. I'm, in case you haven't noticed, pretty amazing. I'm more of a grunt kind of guy, if that. And don't ask me for feedback in the middle of it, like, "Oh, am I doing this right?" or "how does this feel, should I spread my legs wider?" No, trust me, if I wasn't getting off, I'd simply move you myself.

This brings to mind (mine) another legend of the sack: that girls are hard to get off. No, they are not! It takes maybe five minutes longer. Anyone who isn't a lazy dick can do it, it just takes patience. The corollary to this myth is that all guys get off like bottle rockets: fast and all at once. This myth is actually 50% untrue. Maybe it's just me, but either I have incredible stamina or all the girls around me have been working themselves up for the half-hour before we get it on.

Screamers, though. I don't always go to the most soundproof of fuck sites, so when I'm sitting in the theater and she starts breathing hard, hey, that's cool. But when she starts screaming, it pisses me off, because they're going to turn off the movie, flip the lights on and see who's dying! Not cool! Plus, getting asked to leave the theater by some fuckhead a tenth as smart as me who still managed to beat me out of a job is a total turnoff.

Maybe I should get them something to bite on when we have incredible sex (which is all sex). Like horses have a bit? You know what I'm talking about, you sick pervs.

*split infinitives are the bomb.

Toasters that only run linux are bollocks.

2008-06-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

Pulling an all-nighter an hours drive from home is officially the stupidest thing a person can do.

Despite the ten or so near-misses I had, I made two wrong turns and nearly ran a busy stop-sign, screaching my tires.

Then a minute later a cop passed me, probably looking for the hot-rod that was screaching its tires.

The worst part is, now my sleep-cycle is completely fucked, because I slept for twenty minutes after the party, and that reset my cycle. I've been kind of confused all day, because the sun really shouldn't be up this late on a Thursday.

I spent twenty minutes trying to load windows on my toaster once I got home after I took a short nap. I only realized it wasn't the computer because someone reached over my shoulder and put some bread in.

That and it wasn't a standard QWERTY keyboard.

This is the most effort I've ever put into one of these rants... finding the computer was hard. Why the fuck was it where it's always been?

Too bad toasters only run linux.

Fuck the school book buy-back

2008-06-11T06:20:00.001-07:00

ND is at it again, folks, and only a few days before graduation.

So, ND, supporter of monopolies campus-wide, with Lifetouch and the snack bar as the most prominent examples, has given us a new monopoly to bow to. That's right, the "Book buy-back".

It used to be that a couple weeks before school they'd open the campus for the book sale, where the bookstore would take the gym and sell all new books and uniforms while the lunch tables would become a mini-bazaar, with used books (and some uniforms) for sale.

No longer, as they have cancelled the early student to student booksale and have initiated the buy-back, where the bookstore will buy your books back at a fraction of what they'll sell it at in a few months. I heard some kid tried to sell a copy of Moby Dick for $20 to them, which is ridiculous (normally, a student would haggle him down to 5 or 6 dollars), but they came back and said that all they could offer him was a quarter.

Of a dollar.

25 cents. For a book.

Why not just burn the sucker, eh? Why waste the time selling it, eh? 300% profit would be to sell it back for a dollar, but they'll probably charge, guess what? Somewhere north of 5 or 6 dollars!!!

And they'll get away with it, because now they're the only game in town!

Oh, wait, they're not! You can sell your books to underclassmen for far more than the bookstore would give you, and underclassmen will get the books they need, in the condition they need, for less than the bookstore would charge!

And if you think that your book won't be used next year, sell it online! Amazon.com allows you to sell your used books quickly and for only a minor fee (usually less than 10% of your asking price, which will be higher than you'd get at ND). All you need is five minutes and a Visa credit card to get set!

So, don't sell your books at the buy-back. It's just another stupid monopoly the administration is trying to force on you guys. Don't play their game, it's your money and you own the books.

Gaining weight is harder than it looks.

2008-06-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

Especially when the government is telling us all we're too fat. Every day I'm hearing that such-and-such city is the fattest in America and that trans fats are being banned from foods and sodas are being banned from schools. It's complete bullshit. Hint to the government and to the snack companies: Trans fats make food taste good! The health of snackers is not your responsibility! Your responsibility is to your stockholders, to make them money!

But that's all been covered before elsewhere. My issue is that I CAN'T GAIN WEIGHT!!! I've set a goal weight (400 lbs), been working at it for a while now, and people continue to tell me I LOOK LIKE I'VE LOST WEIGHT! My girlfriend's mom comes up, tries to give me a compliment, and tells me that I look like I've lost weight. Now, I can't go off on her like a normal person, so I had to bite my tongue.

In retribution, I threw rocks from my car on the freeway to cause accidents. Got to get back at the universe somehow for giving me such a high metabolism.

Car accidents like these make me smile, but only when I'm not involved and am merely an onlooker. Because then I get to laugh at them and give false testimony to the police, just to fuck up the insurance processes.

And when I try to explain to people that I want to gain weight, they assume that I just want to bulk up, mostly muscle. No, I want to be FAT! Not so fat I can't get up, but I want to be huge. I want to control the fat. 400 lbs may sound dangerously unhealthy, but you know what? Shut the fuck up, it's my body I'll do what I want with it. They always tell me, oh, you don't really want to weigh that much, or, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

While I won't be an elongated herbivore when I'm morbidly obese, I do anticipate shuffling about on all fours and storing delicious giraffe meat in my neck folds, just like Tubby here.

Really? How about the fact that I can't go swimming, IN THE SUMMER without freezing my ass off because I don't have an insulating layer of fat? How about when I got frostbite on my face this last winter the day after I shaved off my huge beard, because my face couldn't take the cold? Putting on the pounds is harder than it looks.

I don't much tell people that I'm trying to become morbidly obese anymore. Now I just tell them I'm on a diet. Which works out great, because everyone has their own miracle diet that helps them lose weight. All I have to do is avoid the foods they recommend and eat tons of the foods they say to avoid.

I usually get caught when they ask me how much weight I want to lose. I tell them my goal weight and they freak out, and give me funny looks. Which pisses me off, a bit. I can't really yell back at them because I'm trying to save calories, but if I wasn't on a diet...

I haven't had fruits or vegetables in days. I've been scarfing down proteins, mayonaisse, and carbs all day long for weeks, and I have limited my movement as much as possible. And now that it's a godly temperature again, I don't have to burn calories to produce body heat like all this winter.

Even these generic sugar/sodium filled godsends aren't as unhealthy as the foods of yesteryear. Now with all the sunflower oil in everything, it's even harder to be morbidly obese.

AND I STILL HAVEN'T GAINED WEIGHT! You fuckheads in the government have made everything so damn healthy, I can't gain weight! You bastards have taken away my pursuit of happiness, you bitches! Fuck you!

Even Jesus would like to flip off American government fuckheads. Told me so when he asked me for advice on who to vote for President. I told him Ron Paul on a lark.

My first hate mail!

2008-06-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm amazed. I just got my first (semi-)coherent hate mail. I... I'm flattered. And amazed at the stupidity of some people.

First off, the hate mail (which actually came in the form of a comment) is in response to my "Ban Lifetouch" post, which was among my first and which I consider to be a classic. Go read up on it to better understand how utterly stupid 'Anonymous' is.

[Wow!

Someone needs to inform you about how schools and yearbooks have been operating for decades!]

Uh, no, they don't. I don't fucking want to know how schools and yearbooks have been operating for decades. I'm a bit more concerned with how they are operating today, douchebag.

[1st of all every school values a yearbook. If you spent any time pondering just how much time and effort goes into creating a yearbook it would help you understand what's truly going on. but before we get into it please know that since the school would like a quality looking yearbook and wants all of our boys to be in tuxes and not just any random outfit that they would choose (I shutter to think about what they would choose) the need a photo studio to provide the same background and similar poses for a uniform look]

I know how much time and effort goes into a yearbook, ya fuck. At ND they have a class dedicated to it, all they do for 50 minutes a day, 5 days a week is work on the damn yearbook. And I do know what's going on, I made it a point to find out how much work goes into it. Not that this had anything to do with my post... Not only that no one wore a tux to their 'portrait', and every damn photo studio does the same damn sit-down pose anyways, so it doesn't fucking manner, now does it? And you can request the same background at any studio, fuckhead.

[By the way, Prestige will gladly take your yearbook picture for FREE! unlike communism which you seam to be advocating Prestige will NOT give away their product for free so if anyone is interested they have the ability to take additional portraits after the yearbook picture is taken for a small fee ($10 to $25, depending if you want to bring additional outfits.)]

No, they did not take my damn picture for free, it cost over thirty dollars, not to mention 3 hours of my time because I commute to school and they don't have a studio within an hour of where I live, so that was an extra $20 on gas, before the price broke $3 per gallon. And I was not advocating fucking communism, I didn't even want them to give away their product for free, I wanted the option to walk to Sears with a coupon and get my portrait taken for $10 and hand it to the yearbook class to put in my yearbook. But I didn't have this option, because Lifetouch is fucking corrupt!

[so for $20 they will spend about an hour with your student capturing them looking their best at this age of 18 for generations to come using well trained professional photographers that have all been cleared with background checks and are certified by Lifetouch to be safe people in our school.]

Wait, didn't you say they'd be glad to do the picture for free? You fucking liar get your facts straight. Sears also uses well-trained professional photographers, and they don't resort to corruption to sell pictures. Also, no one asked me if I wanted Lifetouch in my school, did they? Who the fuck cares if they're safe, if I don't want them in my school in the first place?

[For the privilege of photographing our students Lifetouch can solicit you to have more poses done for your possible future enjoyment. (Even if you don't like the pictures Lifetouch will give you your money back, just return the pictures to them. (sounds fair to me) the "partnership" ND is talking about is the many, many events that Lifetouch covers for the school including most of the sporting events, graduation, fundraisers, most pictures of groups from the yearbook, I.D. badges things like that which the school wants and they do this for free! Just for the chance to possibly make money selling their picture to you.]

They do none of this shit for free, all the teams fund raise to pay for pictures and we pay a fee at the beginning of the year to pay for I.D. cards with our pictures. They make money at every step, and they get away with it because they are a fucking monopoly in the schools.

[So please appreciate the images Lifetouch provides.]

No.

[Look at a yearbook and realize that students or parents can't get the quality images you see while sitting in the stands. The Prestige Professionals have the talent to take great images at events like graduations and Homecoming days because people like you and me don't want to have to take these pictures let alone have the talent to do so.]

Yes, they can. Photoshop and digital cameras allow us to take our own quality images and edit them just as well as Lifetouch does for far cheaper. And we don't even have the option to take these pictures if we want because LIFETOUCH MONOPOLIZED MY FRICKIN YEARBOOK!

[No, Lifetouch is very American. Offering a product but not forcing anything on the customer and still probably taking your kids picture on the baseball team for the yearbook.]

I just pointed out how they force their shit on students and parents, and that they don't take the pictures for the baseball team. As far as I know they just have somebody (a parent, I'm sure) take the team picture with a digital camera.

[So, take your kid to the library (where they take the pictures) get him photographed for Free for the yearbook then take him somewhere else to be photographed for his senior portrait. But after traveling to a photographer studio and paying more expensive prices????....well, just skip the whole thing, you probably don't want pictures of your son anyway.]

They took the pictures in their damn studio, not the library. Senior portraits were offered at their studio, too, and they are more expensive than local portrait studios. Maybe you didn't notice, but I'm in fucking high school, you prick, and if I did have a son I'd take every picture I could myself and photoshop it myself to save money and get the picture I want.

With all the spelling errors and multiple factual errors, I have this nagging feeling this was written by someone at Lifetouch, who, by the way, gave me the majority of my traffic when I first started to monitor it, because they would do searches for blogs with negative comments about Lifetouch. Notice the error "shutter" instead of "shudder", which is what they meant. Freudian slip? I think so.

College for Cooley? Nah.

2008-06-06T11:19:00.001-07:00

So, I'm trying to figure out how the Byzantine fee payment process for UC Irvine works. Apparently I'm supposed to give my money to an anteater, and he will grant me three wishes... Very confusing. Didn't we kill off all the anteaters yet?

There's also some kind of PACE program. I assume you eat your weight in PACE salsa and they give you money every month. And how the fuck does the Housing system work?

Jesus this is confusing. I may or may not have to pay off the entire US Federal Debt to afford college, and I can't get a loan because my bloody parents won't cosign the fucking loan. Doesn't China give huge loans? Shei shei, you slanty-eyed loan sharks.

Safari > Windows IE + Freeware

2008-05-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

As you all should know, I've recently turned on Windows and am making the move to Apple in my own slow, slow fashion. My eventual goal is to own a Mac laptop or desktop and an iPhone, a relatively nice one. However, with my lack of any money, or income at all until I can get work, I'm making the smallest of small steps.

I once had this much money, but blew it all investing in Enron. I'm actually quite lucky I wasn't indicted. Hurray for being a minor at the time!

I'm trying out the Apple browser, Safari. For a while I used IE, which quickly got all cluttered. Then I moved to the freeware from Mozilla, Firefox, which has become cluttered, albeit more slowly. As soon as Safari finishes downloading/installing, I'm going to try it out.

If you'll recall (RECALL, DAMMIT!), I timed how long it takes me to open Firefox from a cold start. Well over two minutes. IE took about two minutes. Safari takes... as soon as the download finishes...

OK, now I'm waiting for a freaking folder to open... this is just fucking retarded. At least it's not Vista. OK, installing now. Seems pretty quick, and it had that bit about it not for being used in Nuclear Facilities... That always makes me laugh and it's the only bit I look for in End User agreements. Take my identification and spending habits, as long as I know not to use Safari in my underground nuclear warhead development facility, I'm good.

Imagine if I did use Safari in my secret nuclear facility. Actually, don't. Let me show you a useless picture instead of inspiring you to think for once.

Alright, done installing now. I clicked finish, nothing popping up, I'm going to look for the desktop shortcut. Located. Now, to delete one of my shortcuts to Firefox... done. OK, timer set, and go!

55 seconds. And that's loading the incredibly complex Apple startpage. Pretty good. Now I'm going to open IE and Firefox, too, to see how much RAM they use comparatively.

Safari 12,232K

Firefox 65,976K

IE 56,756K

For comparison, notepad that I'm using to write this uses 2,284K. Safarit is better there and in load time. OK, really easy to put in my preferences and set up the Auto form fill whatever it's called. And I like the silver/white setup. I've been using that as my theme in Windows, now my browser is cool, too.

Wow, this is taking a long time to get used to. I'm going to fiddle with it for a while, set up my bookmarks and stuff, and probably never get back to this.

Why I changed my site layout/scheme.

2008-05-28T18:49:00.000-07:00

Changing the layout of my site to reflect my move from Windows/Freeware to Apple. Enjoy, lametards.

Apple for Cooley? Hopefully.

2008-05-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

So, I'm really considering getting a Mac. Not just a Mac, but also an iPhone and whatever other gadgets they got. If I can get some electrical engineering classes going, I'll hack my own shit, but until then I'm fed up with Windows. The one thing I like to do in the morning (other than eat, which I don't do because I'll just eat in class, whatever.) is get up and check my email. And I've timed this.

Not really my stopwatch, but it's close. Mine has a minutes hand. And it's gold. And it has a chain connected to my favorite harem-girl. She does all my timing for me. Can't figure out what else to do with her, really.

It takes 6 minutes to check my email, from pushing the on buttons (that's right, two of them), to seeing my new emails on Firefox. This makes me late a lot. Like, I might fail the class because I keep hitting traffic from this shit.

And no, I will NOT wake up earlier to check my email. If I won't do it for food, I'm not doing it. Not only this, but Windows just sucks in general. It's slow, jumpy when running RAM heavy programs, and SLOW! I want my computations at the speed of light, bitch! Not in 6 minutes to load ONE FREAKING PROGRAM!

Firefox is pretty RAM heavy, but really? Two minute load with a cold start? That's just fucking retarded. I might even check out Safari now. Good job fucktards over at Mozilla.

Plus, with all the Vista shit that's been going down, and me reading fakesteve.blogspot.com, I'm starting to see how clumsy a company they really are. They've gotten soft. And I didn't stop at the blog, I looked up some of this stuff. Apple is actually making shit I like, and I like white. Good color.

When I leave for college, hopefully to UCI, I'm getting a Mac laptop and an iPhone. And it'll be great, because every nice thing I spent a lot of my own money on has been an Apple product, and I like them. Windows sucks, people who disagree can suck it, I've made up my mind.

And fuck Linux, I can't figure out how to make it work, and no I won't spend time on it. I want it to work now when I tell it to, with no effort. Hence, my move to the Apple camp.

Can't wait to get mine. And by the time I can afford it I'll get a cheap one 6 months old for a pittance because they come out with new versions all the fucking time, and I only need the basic phone/internet/camera/video/I can go on and on...

Ruining America, or saving it? Ask the hooker!

2008-05-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

I love a country where even hookers can use their bodies to influence politics. Good or bad thing? I dunno, leave a comment, I'll try to keep that part of my site "clean".

I mean shit, she's pretty fucking hot.

Mini rant, the new format.

2008-05-26T19:02:00.001-07:00

First off, I laugh at all of you who expect some quality writing. Next, why the fuck do people think that because the media blew something out of proportion, science is wrong?

Clue: science is wrong, a lot. It's nothing new, that's why we have new theories all the bloody time. After a while, though, say five years now, we get it pinned down pretty secure. Go internet.

New rule: Only scientists who did the research may write science articles for newspapers. Period. Any journalist shit head who tries will be shot.

Fucking Facebook. et tu, Myspace?

2008-05-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, admittedly Myspace sucks, but now it's getting even worse. And if you want to know just how bad Myspace sucks, check out my very first rant.

Facebook, on the other hand, is the media's new perpetual "Internet Story". Oh look, college students cheating on their Chem homework. Rather than focusing on what they did wrong, they focus on the site they did it on. Ignore the rampant cheating that goes on everyday and the near worthless degrees given out as a result, focus on the BIG BAD INTERNETS!!!!

I can't even figure out how to work Facebook. I got my picture loaded and everything, filled in my shit, added some friends, but then what? The messaging and comments aren't easy to use, and adding pictures is mostly pointless. All thats left to do is play with all the applications.

Which, of course, has led me to block all emails from Facebook. I do NOT want to know if someone is "the same hotness" as me from some stupid viral app. What the fuck? This is the fucking feature creep that ruins EVERYTHING! I mean, look at Kingdom Hearts. A fucktard game to be sure, but I played it, if only because I remember watching the good Disney movies over and over. KH2? Lame piece of shit. They add in all this shit, and you don't need to level up, because you have 905596 different ways to kill enemies by halfway through the game. And it sucked.

That's what's happening with Facebook. So I don't use it. I figure Myspace has been crap, but at least it works, and when they add shit, guess what? It fucking works! And you can SEE them working on it when they trot out the Tom persona to send his little messages.

Facebook did nothing new. It just got famous because the fucking traditional news media latched onto it like lampreys once they got tired of ragging on Myspace. That and I think Myspace: Lawyer Division was about to sue the news stations out of business for fucking with them and not checking to see that maybe ten abductions out of BILLIONS of users does NOT equal unsafe environment.

Myspace at least did something new. They gave people their own website to trash and a way to put their slutty pictures up. And they did it for free to the user by flooding it with ads. Shitty, but new shit. Facebook doesn't even have that, and it has the damn feature creep. Fucking shit.

But guess what? Myspace wants some growth like what Facebook gets. So they're adding these apps, and they suck! I'm this close to quitting Myspace too. If I get one more message from people who want to see how much I'm worth, I'm going to fucking explode.

Adsense fucking sucks.

2008-05-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

Google Adsense has got to be the most stupid shit I have ever seen!

Look at the ads above my site. Look at them! They are NOT relevant at all! I thought, you know, I'd make some money because they'd be fucking relevant to my damn site. THEY ARE NOT!

Google is fucking stupid. Why not just go straight to the people who would advertise, get some open source code going for the links and for billing and shit, and get some fucking relevant ads? Ever heard of a thing called opportunity costs, ya dumb fucks?

Let me explain what Google is doing with these fucking ads. They're shooting fish in a barrel. They're taking the China strategy. Because they can put up so many ads in so many places, not all of them have to be relevant to make a profit, because the cost to set up the ad is practically zero. So, with billions upon billions of ads and millions of accounts, only a minuscule percentage actually need to be relevant to make money and get clicks. The rest can be utter shit and it would never matter.

If there was a company that would link sites with advertisers based on relevancy, and made sure the links or buttons or whatever looked like they were worth clicking, they'd make a ton of money. Because Google is content to carpet bomb the internet to get the one consumer/advertiser hook-up they need to make a profit.

The opportunity cost thing is that because I have the Google ads on my site, I can't put other ads where they are. This means that if there were more relevant ads, I lose all the revenue I could gain by putting them there because the fucking irrelevant Google ads are there.

Google ads are fucking retarded, and anyone who has a site with some decent traffic would be better off talking directly to advertisers, because Adsense is stupid. You'd think Google would have a better system, but they don't. Advertisers, go to the sites your damn selves and contact the webmaster about possible ads. You're much more likely to get traffic that way, and if you don't, just cancel the contract. It's no biggie.

I'd take down my ads, but I don't want to go through the damn hassle myself. And who knows? Maybe Google will get it's act together.

God, I love free stuff.

2008-05-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

You know what I'm happy about lately? Free music.

No, not the Napster/Limewire/whatever the fuck you use to steal your music. I mean bands giving away their music over the internet, and then selling CDs, Tshirts, concert tickets and what-have-you to pay their bills.

The bands I'm thinking of in particular are Pennywise (Reason to Believe) and Nine Inch Nails (The Slip). They released their music over the internet, and you know what? I would never have listened to them unless their music had been free. Now that I've downloaded their music, if they have a cheap concert nearby, I may go see it. They've won me over as a 'fan'. (Inasmuch as I can be a 'fan' of anything, that is.)

Pennywise, cheap as they are, used Myspace to distribute their "tunes". If you added them as a friend, they sent you a link to download their CD. This is great, because I was able to get the music with no viruses and without getting hacked.

Nine Inch Nails, though, is big enough that they could pony up some cash and buy some web space to host a site. If you went there (and you still can) you can download their CD at a bunch of different quality levels, all for free. So if you have shitty speakers, get the low quality. If you spent all the money from your mortgage on a speaker system, get the really good quality shit.
The great thing for these bands is, people like me who would never have listened to their music got a bunch of new listeners, who will potentially go out and buy all their merchandise. Plus they get a bunch of free publicity because the shit-heads on the radio can't believe that band so-and-so is giving away their music for free. And we all know that people are still going to go out and buy the CD, too, so they still get money from that.

If every band did this, they'd get more music and less of their songs would get put on sites like Limewire (which gives you viruses, by the way. Don't believe me? Try it).

Google Adsense blog.

2008-05-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

That's right, I'm a total sellout.

AND I'M LOVING IT!

You may have noticed (from my shameless self-promotion) the ads on the top of my site. They are Google AdSense ads. What they are is basically links, no popups, no viruses, none of that shit. Just links, like the one that led you to my site (except not, because the link you followed is technically spam...). They take you to a page with a bunch of links that have to do with the first link you clicked, and this counts as a page impression. Every thousand impressions I get, Google gives me so much money, depending on how many clicks I got. So if the link at the top says "movies" and you click on that, you'll get taken to a page with links that have to do with movies. If you click on any of the links on this page (however many times you want... *wink wink*), I get so much money (I think it's something like 5-10 cents).

Ever wanted to put your two cents in? Now you can! Into my bank account.

Now, of course I didn't figure this out by clicking my own links, because that would be illegal. I went to a site that I like that has similar links and figured it out. Probably earned the guy a buck or so figuring it out.

And you know what? It's fun! No, I'm not bullshitting you. Admittedly it's not as fun as taunting the terminally ill or the poor, but it's fun if you've got nothing else to do. You find the weirdest sites by doing this. I found a site that you can set up your own TV station on (I assume over the internet, basically streaming video). And as soon as I set up the ads so they are more relevant, you can find things that interest you!

That's what you'll find if you decide to check out the ads at the top of my site. Yup, stuff that'll interest you! That's it.

Say you liked my articles in which I didn't admit to starting the California fires. If you go back there, someday in the future when the links are better, you'll find links to arson clubs! Wouldn't that be fun? You could hook up with more arsonists, just like yourself (and not me)!

But really, if I make a bunch of money off of this, I won't have to eat out of the trash anymore! Isn't that exciting? I'll stop spreading disease in your community! And you'll keep me out of your emergency rooms. I may even wind up paying taxes!

Adsense is great. You should all check out Adsense. The more times I use Adsense in this article, the higher it'll be on the Google search engine. Adsense Adsense Adsense Adsense Adsense Adsense Adsense Adsense Adsense Adsense Adsense Adsense! Yeah, that's enough making money with Adsense or making Adsense more relevant.

I can finally stop being poor! Thanks, Google Adsense! Now, if only you can get rid of the Communists and make our country safe...

And of course, I'm NOT telling you to click my ads. That's also illegal. I'm just pointing out that they're a lot of fun, they help the guy who writes these articles (some poor sap in India, go outsourcing!), and they stimulate the economy! And you know, exersizing your index finger is important to your health... It prevents cancer!

That's right! Clicking my ads (which I'm NOT telling you to do) prevents cancer!

Fun in Movie Theater.

2008-05-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

Friends can be useful, but you don't really need them. And sometimes, you really need to not have them.

This show sucked so hard. It almost turned me off the concept of having friends after one episode. But then I remembered that any friends I made at my school would be wealthier than me. Money and free stuff always flows to the poorest, kinda like gravity.

This is the conclusion I've reached after last Friday. A group of friends and I saw Ironman (decent) and we wound up sharing a big tub of popcorn and the largest size of drink with me going for refills because I wouldn't pony up my share of the money. As I wound up drinking and eating a lot, and knowing that I was going to get thirsty after the movie was over and we were away from the free refills, I wanted to take a refillable cup from one of the seats in the (now) empty theater.

This is one seat out of maybe thirty at the theaters I frequent, so I get some variety. To date I have found, taken, and consumed: countless refilled tubs of popcorn, 7 refilled sodas (I figure 48-64 ounce sizes), and one half-filled bag of sour patch kids with no ill side-effects.

It took a headlock by my soon-to-be-a-hardass-Marine-friend to get me to leave, and that only because I didn't feel like passing out for some free soda. Only one of my friends was on my side (that taking it was not a health risk) but she's beyond cool. And she was definitely too cool to step in and back me up. After all, she already had a soda and the tub of popcorn.

I wouldn't have had a problem mooching off anyone else outside the theater, but... It is Jen... Links for coolness!

I give Jen the official seal of Awesomeness. No one else deserves it, except perhaps me. I haven't decided yet. Not even Chuck Norris has received this honor from me, just everyone else in the bloody universe.

So we leave the movie part, and enter the lobby. Looking into a trashcan after my friends had moved ahead of me, I pulled out a half full soda, and was about to dump it out, when they caught me, pulled it out of my hands, and threw it away.

So I'm thinking, "fuck this, I'll just mooch off Jen and pay her back." So I offer to refill the drink, because I know it'd go way to fast if it was left half-full. So I take it, and the big black lady is literally three centimeters from topping it off, when some other guy comes up and says he saw me pull it out of the trash.

I'm thinking "DOUCHE! LET IT GO!!!" But the lady stops, and asks me if I did. I say no. He says yes I did, he saw me. I explained that that one was thrown away by my more health-concerned friend. She gets on a fucking radio, looking for a second opinion.

After two minutes, I just tell Jen I'll pay her back, because they won't let it go, and I have a life to live, where I can get free refills with less hassle. Now I owe her $2.50, half the price of a soda.

And you know what? If I hadn't had friends with me that day, I'd have taken it from the theater seat and gotten away with it. No hassle, free soda. As it was they caused a huge scene and now I'm sure I'm blacklisted from refills at that theater.

Friends can be a good thing. They can keep you from permanently fucking up your life. But then they also keep you from achieving greatness. Like winning the Lotto. Can't do it with friends. They'll hit you up for money.

This ticket is like painting a big MOOCH OFF ME sign on your head once you win any real money. It should be a requirement to play that anyone who plays may not have friends. That way only real assholes would win (and I could afford to buy Hawaii, like I always planned to).

They are like equalizers. Keeping you at the level of mediocrity. Oh well.

To understand why I have no problem eating out of the trash, you really need to know me in person. Poor+Hungry=Low/no standards.

To hear more awesome stuff to do to get free stuff, check out my college guide.

Age limits suck, but Miley Cyrus pictures...

2008-05-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

So, age limits. I don't really get most of them. As in, say, America. You can go to war, vote, smoke a fag, and work when you turn eighteen. Also, you legally become a person, rather than your parents property. But you're not allowed to drink until you're 21. Which I think is lame. Also, you're not allowed to take out Social Security until you retire, which is also lame.

Miley's friend finally is ready to give her the tongue action she'd been asking for. Hooray for Alcohol!

The one that gets me the most is the working. Before you're eighteen, you have to get a permit to sell your time. But once you're eighteen, you don't need a permit. Most jobs you can get with a permit, you get the permit for them when you are 16. Some farm jobs it's 14. And if you're a child actor, there are special case-by-case rules. But you know what, if you're 18, you can legally act in a porno. But the child actor rules don't apply.

Miley, giving her friend a handjob with her free hand. With tongue like that, it's easy to see the course the evening took. (obviously a night playing GTA3. Duh!)

LAME! What if Myley Cyrus wants to act in her own porno? She can't, because she's not eighteen. However, she gets to put out pictures, and act, but she can't do both at the same time? You'd think there would be special allowances for child actors in the porn industry, after all, they are HUGE and should have the best lobbiests, after Tobacco, of course.

Little girls master the "Myspace angles" even better and better these days. Can you imagine the pervs wanking off to this? I bet she can, from Rehab!

I just think it's unfair that the famous child-sluts of the day would be penalized for wanting to express their sexuality and turn a profit while they're at it. We really need to vote on this guys...

Yet more proof that young girls should not be allowed a digital camera or an internet connection until marriage.

Not that I'm saying that it would be at all tasteful. It really wouldn't be. I mean, who wants to see some little 8th grader getting her funk on?

Did she think this was cute? This isn't even in the least attractive. I wonder where she buys her crack...

Oh wait, I'm writing to the people who actually read my blog...

The guy in the back is thinking to himself "don't stare at her ass-crack, oh for the love of God don't let me even glance. The photographer's thinking "this is gonna show up right next to the definition of camel-toe."

Yeah, you guys are totally cool with it, huh?

She's even got the "Myspace pout" down. She looks deep, but really, the deeper you go, she's just a slut. Like every other famous girl on the planet. Except Madame Curie. She was just a badass.

Now, it's not like you couldn't find these pictures on your own, I just thought that you'd appreciate not having to look for them yourself.

Miley Cyrus really needs to get over herself. And she will when she's out of money, pregnant out of wedlock, and selling herself for food once again outside a cheap motel in Las Vegas. That and the STDs.

And remember to clean up when you finish.

I sure hope he did. *New Thought* Oh my FSM, who took this picture?! Is her dad in on it, too?

How to Drive, for Assholes!

2008-04-28T19:21:00.000-07:00

Well, it had to happen sometime. The perfect Captain Cooley has overlooked something vital in his rants about how much driving sucks. Also, The Captain has found it rewarding to refer to himself in the first person.

I've never told you how to drive.

Really, this would be inexcusable for any other writer, but, being the sexy devil that he is, we will forgive The Captain. Because he says so.

Now, right to it. You're going somewhere. And you're in a hurry. So, your instinct is to hit the gas pedal, or as some like to call it, "the go fast button." However, this is not always beneficial.

If you are traveling mostly city streets, merely speeding will only find you at red lights with the people you passed catching up to you as you idle. The trick to fast city driving is to run red lights or to go around them. Like speeding, these maneuvers are illegal, and will net you a hefty fine, but you're in a hurry, right?

Now, it has been said that speeding only gets you where you're going about 6 minutes faster. But did you know that I am usually only late by 5 minutes?! I could, by speeding, be early by 1 minute! "Amazing" you say! Constant speeding is the key. Reckless passing also helps.

If you get caught on a two lane undivided highway behind someone not going fast enough for you (anything under 80mph for The Captain), never rule out passing on the right. Yes, in the dirt. Don't be afraid, all you with the raised trucks should be fine.

However, should you somehow be early enough that speeding is unnecessary, here are some tips on pissing off the people who are late. Keep in mind that those who do this waive their right not to be shot by people in other cars, as the people who do this are really assholes, and need to die.

Say you are a four lane road, two lanes in each direction. Get in the left-most lane heading in your direction. Find a car going slow in the right-most lane. Match his speed. You will infuriate many a driver, and slow traffic to the slow slow speeds of .1c.

If you are on the freeway, get in the carpool lane. Drive the speed limit. This is rude, legal, and above all wrong. This is especially effective if you are alone, and driving a truck full of lawn care/construction equipment.

And lastly, drive a shitty Buick with the front-right fender missing, and drive as recklessly as you can. The Captain sees this guy every day, and his reckless driving has gotten him in several accidents. He rarely is considerate of others, and when he deigns to use his lights, they are always the high beams. However, The Captain has his own plans for this lowlife, so leave him to The Captain, and for the most part get out of his way.

He will get what's coming to him.

If you have additional rules, tips, or stories, leave them in the comments section.

Lawrence King was an idiot.

2008-04-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

Lawrence King was shot in February, 2008. Because he was gay, he will be remembered especially this Friday (4/25/08), which is also the National Day of Silence to protest anti-fay bullying.

King, reportedly, had recently come out of the closet and had begun wearing high-heeled boots, jewelry, and makeup to school. He was a seventh grader. His killer, Brandon McInerney, had confronted him bout it the day before.

The question is, did King have the right to express his "gender identity" at school by dressing as he did? Did his killer have a right to a comfortable learning environment?

Really, I don't feel that Brandon should get off for what he did. After all, he did murder King. But King had no right to intimidate his classmates and threaten them the way he did. Students in the public education system all have the right to a comfortable learning environment.

I mean, I know I'd have been freaked out if some guy was dressing that way at my middle school. Remember, this wasn't high school, it was a middle school full of kids just entering puberty, trying to come to terms with their new-found sexuality.

In middle schol, a dress code should be maintained to prevent this kind of thing from happening. It's threatening to have your gender identity confronted like that. Similarly, girls don't get to dress like sluts until high school. Keep that shit out of middle school. I don't care if your gender identity is straight, gay, transgendered, whatever! You don't get to express it to the young'uns.

And really, King was an idiot. When you're confronted by a gang of kids prone to violence about something you can easily change, CHANGE! By dressing that way, he was advertising his sexual preference AND WILLINGNESS to the other boys at his school. You don't do that in middle school.

ADVERTISEMENT! When a girl wears inappropriate clothes, she wants to fuck! Guys always want it, so why advertise? But King wanted it from other guys!

This isn't some stupid kid getting capped for just being gay, quietly. He was screaming it! If nothing else, he should have been reprimanded by the school for intimidating the other students.

But he shouldnt' have been shot.

I draw comics, too.

2008-04-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

These are some comics I drew, seeing as I can't pay attention in English class anymore without the SWAT team called in to take me out.

For this first one, the senior class puts together a book of poems and essays all focusing on a central theme at the end of the year. We managed to get stuck with a particularly sucky theme: "140 Students Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest". We got over 100 out of 135 seniors to sign a petition to change it to "Branching out" (not my first choice, but admittedly better). She responded thusly.

This is what I'm turning in to fulfill the assignment's requirements. While not a poem or essay, it gets a point across and I've heard it's pretty funny. The asshole chooses to attack the more obscure logical fallacy in the first panel, leaving Mr. Optimistic able to counter and carry out his intended action. I just ruined it for you guys, huh?

This one came about in my art class. My friend was complaining that Colonel Hargis' class had nothing to do with English, he just talked about random stuff like making mead. This was the underlying justification to everything he talked about, which makes me laugh. And of course, he let me eat whatever in that class and I got his award...

Yes, when me and my girlfriend make out, giant hearts surround us. It really bugs the teachers at Notre Dame. From what you can see, we're both deathly skinny, and she has black hair.

This one is a callback to a comic from xkcd.com. I just got all you guys.

In anatomy class, Mr. L's nephew came in and was looking at all of our cats as we were identifying all the arteries and veins. It sucks when they don't get dyed just right, I still am not sure where that damn hepatic portal vein is. Mr. L came in and started gagging, pretty funny at the time.

So, on the internet, I've been talking to complete strangers about college. This is an excerpt of a conversation I had with this one guy. And no, I'm not talking about you, John.

I've always (almost 3 months now) wanted an electric skateboard. I'd do this all the time. I heard about them on the xkcd blag, and now I want to get one to get around the UCI campus. They're pretty tight.

So those are what I've done so far. Comments are being begged for, and more to come.

Dr. P hates me so much.

2008-04-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

Click to enlarge

Dr. P (my English teacher) and I don't get along very well.

It could have been that when I first went to her class at the beginning of the year, I had a huge beard and long hair, looking threatening.

It could have been that preparation worksheet for the A.P. English Literature test essay that that she handed out, that I responded to.

And it could definitely have been my reaction to the quiz we had on Plato's Allegory of the Cave.

As for the beard and hair: I do look somewhat respectable, I just don't hold the world in high enough esteem to shave every day/week. So you're much more likely to see scruffly Cooley than smooth Cooley. That, and my beard is a beast, a forest that won't be tamed for more than five minutes before becoming visible at a distance again.

(images coming someday, there's seven and I'm tired.)
Click the images to see the worksheet we got in preparation of the A.P. Lit test.

Now, for the worksheet. If you're too lazy to read it (it's okay, I was too when I first saw it), it's about global warming. You have to analyze the claim that "global warming is a threat to the earth." And you have to use as evidence several "samples" of "information" about global warming. Does anyone else see the problems here?

Since when do a bunch of English teachers get to grade an argument about global warming? Since when do they get to decide what constitutes "evidence" in support or contradiction of the claim that "global warming is a threat to the earth"? And what is a threat to the earth? What definitions of "earth" and "threat" are you using?

What if the "evidence" supplied is inane, and I have to bring in outside sources? Will a climatoligist or at the very least someone from the science department check these, too? While English professors are, I'm sure, very competent in their fields, they are unqualified to judge the merits of a(n inherently) scientific argument.

I brought this all up, without even reading the arguments (I just read the first page in the time it took her to get the class under control and answer some questions, like "are we gonna do this right now?"), in class when she passed out the worksheets. She immediately took offense, along the lines of "anyone with funny letters after their name (reference to PhD) is pretty smart and competent lol." She thought I was calling her (and eventually, all English professors/majors) dumb, whereas I was merely calling them unqualified in the area of climatology.

Now, half the class loves Dr. P, and the other half treats her as just another English teacher. We'll call the side that likes her the "right" and the apathetic half the "left," as that is where they sit in her class. Immediately after I made my case, and during it, the "right" started shouting me down, telling me I was stupid, to shut up, and that I was wrong. The "left" just went on not paying attention. This is apparently the first time I "upset" Dr. P.

Now, for the more recent event. We had a reading assignment, "Allegory of the Cave" from Plato's Republic. I assumed, because we weren't going to discuss this in class beforehand, that college-level reading was expected and that we would have an in-class writing assignment on the idea of "enlightenment" as expressed by Plato. I assumed wrong. We had to draw the fucking cave.

Does anyone else see the irony, here? Reread it if you don't.

Now, this time, we had the same pattern of argument as we did over global warming. This time, I shouted back at the "right," because I was tired of hearing them blindly defend Dr. P.

This apparently scared Dr. P, because I've never actually got to the point of yelling before (although I've been told I wasn't even close to yelling, he said I merely raised my voice). She took me aside after class, and we discussed why I was so upset (ie, the quiz was a waste of my time, it didn't prepare me for college or the A.P. test, a fifth grader could have done it, reading it beforehand wasn't necessary to pass, and there was no way to show that I understood the underlying idea and could respond to it as a college student might). I thought that was it.

She called my fucking mom!

What the hell?! Isn't she supposed to be preparing me for college? Would she call a student of her's mother in college? Didn't we settle this like adults afterwards, with me apologizing for disrupting the class' class? I should have discussed it with her after class, as it was more of a personal issue. She said to my mom that this was the second time I've upset her (see above situation).

It's so fucking lame, thank FSM I graduate soon.

UC Merced, a short story.

2008-04-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

A light clicked on.

The man looked furtively through the doorway, scoping out the room. He was dressed in his best ninja outfit, which was basically some black sweatpants and a college sweatshirt, dark blue. To be slightly more intimidating, he had put his hood up and pulled the little strings to hide his face. Sadly, this restricted his vision, and he nearly tripped over a pile of booklets touting the college whose admissions office he had broken into. "Come visit UCLA!" the booklets shouted from their pile.

"Damn," he muttered, pulling his hood down. "How come UCLA gets all the aplications?" He looked down at his sweatshirt from UC Merced. "I mean, just 'cuz we don't have a reputation, and we don't know if our "education" is hurting or helping our students, doesn't mean people shouldn't go to Merced..."

Back to the topic at hand, he thought. He moved to the computer, sitting on the teakwood desk. Turning it on, he was confounded by the security installed on the computer. "What the hell kinda software is Linux?" he muttered. Giving up rather quickly, he looked around, searching for applications. Then, he saw them.

A mountain of rejection letters. Valedictorians, Nobel Prize winners, proven software designers... All rejected because of a lack of ethnicity, community service, or willingness to have sex for acceptance.

Totally unguarded, the rejection letters sat quietly as he moved in with his sack. Nothing says "taking shit that people don't want me to have" like stuffing shit people don't want him to have in a burlap sack.

Unfortunately, his sack really only had room for about seven applications. After he took them, he left, tripping over the pile of brochures, leaving the door unlocked, and tagging "UCM RULZ!" on the wall.

In the dead of night, he worked. "Accepting" all these people who don't want to go to UC Merced takes a lot of work, and a lot of stealth. He finishes "accepting" these people to UCM, and mails their acceptance letters from the local post-office, which still wasn't sure if there was a new UC school or not.

Two to four business days later, several people in Southern California found that they had been to a school they had never applied to, and really didn't want to have their information. This group of people included one badass, badass enough to have his own website...

I just can't win.

2008-03-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

I got in (yet) another accident. But I swear, this time it wasn't my fault.

So, the night before, my parents had ganged up on me with my grandmother to nag me into looking for work again, despite the fact that my schedule is unpredictable as hell, despite having lots of down time. I could be needed for stuff on a moment's notice, but they want me tied down into something predictable. The next day (the day of the accident) I went looking for work after school.

On a side note, I want to point out how important it is to dress appropriately when looking for work. The hair parted down the middle says: "I know spiking my hair is immature." The uniform shirt says: "private school." The jeans say: "I'm relaxed." The shoes. The shoes say: "I'm a guy who wears shoes."

[Picture coming soon.]

But on my way home, around 6:15, I'm making a left turn onto the dirt road that leads to my house, and this guy in a big black truck runs a stop sign and hits me. Didn't even see me. It's pretty obvious it's his fault, as HE RAN A FUCKING STOP SIGN, so we let him know that he doesn't have to call his insurance and report it, we can settle it outside of that, but he calls anyways, because he's a douche.

My car is the blue one, and the solid line w/arrow is the path we took, while the dashed line is what I wanted to do pre-collision.

We went to his house to take pictures of his damage, and he started telling us his story about how it's my fault he hit me, because I was going into his lane. If you look at the diagram, you can see that he was in the middle of the road. I was making my turn, but he was too far over in the road, so I couldn't get in, so I stopped, because I figured he would stop and move over so I could get in. I'm partially turned, dead stopped in the middle of the intersection, not on the dirt road yet, and he runs the stop sign and hits me. He said, when we spoke, that he's allowed to go a whole car length past the stop sign without stopping.

Where the fuck did he hear that? Complete dumbass. I hope he told his insurance that, I'll win for sure if he did. This guy is 34, with tats on his hand, and he works as an auto glass specialist. He lives in a 500 grand and up area, and he owns a big-ass truck and two dune-buggies. Plus, he's on AAA insurance. It's so obvious he lives with his parents.

The rule is, stop before any part of your car is past the stop sign, THEN you may creep forward to check if there is any oncoming traffic. It was a two way stop, by the way. I had no stop sign.

The moral of the story is, if your wife, mom, girlfriend, or grandmother (any woman, really) is nagging you, just shoot them in the face. If you do what they say, you'll get into a car accident.

This is me.

2008-03-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

All right, this is just a little recap of my high school career, which is quickly coming to a close, and is falling apart even faster. I was the school Jesus, got into Theater enough to want to distance my self a bit (but not enough to spell it "Theatre"). I used to get good grades, but I just need a 3.0 GPA to get into my colleges, so whatever. Yes, I am poor enough that eating out of the trash is an option. This term I have no male teachers, and it sucks. I did just get my acceptance email from UCI, so I don't care much anymore about good ol' ND.

I'm glad I did theater, I really am. But I'm not into it for the theater itself. I actually mildly dislike live theater. All my friends did it, so I did it to spend time with them, and to get in on all those damn inside jokes. You should feel honored: I like you guys enough to do something I don't really like. Now, though, everyone thinks I'm a teatro (my word for theater people), and I'm not.

I need a "weighted" 3.0 GPA to get into UCI, my back-up school. That's a B average for normal classes, and some C grades for honors and A.P. courses. Take that trig and A.P. Comp! Do your worst, Pizurie! If you give me a C, I'll still get into college, even if I did explicitly call you an idiot in my Subject A test essay.

Yeah, I did that. I'll post it when I get it back. My english teacher hates me so much.

And yeah, I do eat out of the trash on occasion. But that's it's own article, trust me.

I can't wait to go to college, but I don't think I'll spend much time in class. I'll be visiting you all wherever you go, mostly.

How to save money on gas.

2008-03-07T15:52:00.001-08:00

Well, we all know that gas prices aren't ever going down, and we're all going to have to find alternatives if we want three square meals a day. Not that I get that many, but if I had the money to buy food, instead of finding it in the trash, I wouldn't be able to, because I'd have to spend all my money on gas.

The dumpster may not be the most nutritious source of food, but it is the cheapest and most available.

The first thing everyone thinks of first, when thinking of ways to save money on gas, is to get a new car that gets better mileage. But they don't usually think of the cost of the car, thinking that if they get a good enough hybrid, that it will pay for itself. Let's examine that:

The Toyota Prius costs 20,900USD, and it gets a "combined MPG" of 46 MPG. I don't know what "combined MPG" means, but I assume it's doubletalk designed to up the numbers. It probably gets only30 MPG on average, but we'll go with the official numbers for the one guy that always drives 45 mph with no air conditioning, on cruise control on a never-ending freeway where there is no need to alter speed ever.

Contrary to popular belief, cruise control does not drive the car for you, steer, or change your speed in response to traffic. It is the cause of major accidents up and down the highways.

I drive 80 miles per day, on average, and the average commuter, the one who stands to gain the most from buying a hybrid, probably drives the same. (The average American drives 12,000 miles per year, but I'm not average.) I therefore, not counting sundays, drive 25,028 miles per year.

...

Oh shit, I drive that much? Damn, no wonder I hate the road so much. Considering I've only been driving for maybe 6 months, I've already beat the average, and been involved in two traffic "incidents." This sucks.

But back to what I was talking about. At 46 MPG, driving 25,000 miles per year uses 544.1 gallons of gasoline. At about $4 per gallon, which will be the average for the next 12 months, by the way, that is $2,176.40 spent on gas in one year, for me with a hybrid. With my car that gets 20 MPG, I use 1,250 gallons of gasoline, and spend $5000 on gas in one year.

I decided to just buy all my gas from Cosco in bulk all at once this January. OPEC was so pleased.

Oh my god I spend that much just on gas not counting vehicle maintenance, insurance, car accidents, and speeding tickets?! Fuck this shit, I'm quitting driving.

But my total savings by switching would only be $2,823.60 per year. And that's if gas levels out at $4 per gallon, which it won't. Remember, the Prius costs $20,900. It would take me 7.4 years to earn back the money I spent on the new car, and THEN, and ONLY THEN, would I start saving money by driving the car.

7.4 years. Fuck that, I can barely plan 7.4 days in advance, let alone years.

Now, if everyone started to drive hybrids, that wouldn't be so bad. Gas would eventually be phased out because it wouldn't be needed so much, and it would certainly help the environment.

Fuck it, this article is too long. I'll finish Part two later, and tell you how to actually save money on transportation (and some of my ideas don't even mention smoking marijuana even once!).

Well, it's something.

2008-02-21T20:26:00.000-08:00

I was going to write something funny and pertinent to everyone who reads this, but I decided to be lazy and write something I wanted to write, just to tempt Fate.

Then I decided not to.

Fuck posts with a point!

Fucking Failures...

2008-02-11T18:22:00.000-08:00

What happened to real bullies?

What is this bullshit that kids can be bullied online? I remember in the good old days, when I was little, you were bullied in person, and they would beat the shit out of you. Hell, even my friends would join the bullies in beating me up at times. That's why I'm on steroids now.

But really, the only way you should be able to bully someone online is by hacking their computer or website or Myspace or whatever, and messing with it. Hate mail is not bullying. You know how I deal with hate mail? I DELETE THAT SHIT.

(I hope to look like this in several months. I'd better, bull semen tastes horrible.)

I don't let people bully me online. If someone hacks my shit online, I change my password. If they did a really good job, I just make a new Myspace profile or move my blog. Really, what kind of sappy-ass weak-shit pussy gets all upset when someone calls him a fag on his Myspace comments section. First of all, what the hell is that guy doing on your friends list? Do you need that ego shot of having more than 17 friends so bad you'll let them bad mouth you online? You don't even have to take him off your friends list, just delete the freaking comment.

We need to take back bullying, guys. Now that we're the big kids on the block, we need to get these aspiring bullies out of their house and onto the streets to beat up little kids in person. "Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me." It's true, guys! Go get some fucking sticks and stones! Stop the name calling. Besides, internet harassment doesn't really work in the long run. So far, I only know of one case of some kid killing herself over it, and that was cyber-bullying by an adult.

(Badgrl2 just owned this stupid bitch. If it was me, though, I would have burned her house down and laughed as she tried to put it out with her tears.)

And you know what else? What the hell is up with kids that describe themselves as "bad test takers?" What the fuck? I can understand an adult talking shit on some kid behind their back and then toning it down from "fucking failure" to "bad test taker," but why the fuck is some kid telling me this?

You know what? Life is just one long series of tests. That's it. If you can't perform without your parents coaching you through your homework over your shoulder, how the hell are you going to survive? I think if you can't pass a simple test *COUGHTHEEXITEXAMCOUGHCOUGH* then you should be put down. Or at least held back until you can. Really, testing is how we make sure you actually learned something. Homework doesn't tell us shit about what you know. If you can't pass the test, you didn't learn the fucking material. Period.

(When I see EXAM written on the board, I get excited, because I get to show off my A later that week. When that blonde bitch in front of me sees it, she dies a little on the inside, because she's a FUCKING FAILURE!

"Oh, but I get nervous." Fuck that! If you study so hard you've got that shit down cold, you don't need to worry. When you can do it in your sleep, it's not going to matter how fucking nervous you get, you'll do just fine. "I'm a bad test taker" really means "I'm a dumbass who lets my parents do all my work for me." Or, if you like: "I'm a fucking failure."

Captain Cooley finds Jesus. He was drunk in a pub.

2008-02-08T19:13:00.000-08:00

I wrote this during a Catholic mass one day because I was forced to go rather than come up with something interesting. I'm pretty much going to hell for it, but I guess so will all of you for laughing at it.

I fought my way to the door through driving winds and fierce rain. I have brought with me six chickens to be slaughtered in order to appease Jesus, because everyone knows that less than four chickens is an insult. I try the secret knock I've been practicing, which basically consists of me banging on the door and screaming "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" Nobody comes to the door, however. Apparently this cult can't afford doormen. As I enter, my chickens are stolen by thugs from San Jacinto. Bordering Hemet, this is where the gangsters that rob the old people live.

(San Jacinto, shown in orange, contains many gangsters, mostly of Polish descent.)

I'm here several hours early, in order to observe this odd class of Irish, Italian, and Mexican religious people. Because the front door is locked, I break in through some window with stained glass in the shape of one of the founders of this particular sect.

The first person enters. She appears to be my age. After hitting on her, and being rejected due to the fact that I disguised myself as a giant badger, she moves to sit in one of the pews, a sort of wooden bench designed to keep you in pain and give back pain to the young.

(Child molesters and giant badgers are the two demographics women are most frightened of, including George Bush.)

Examining my surroundings, I realize the people here must be very angry with this Jesus fellow. Rather than listen to their explanation of why he's hanging on a cross at today's meeting, I've opted to make up my own story. Apparently, Jesus signed up to bring the booze to last week's meeting, but he forgot to bring it, claiming it was Jerry's turn. Everyone was so pissed off, they nailed him to a cross and hung him at the front of the building to remind everyone not to forget the beer.

(Murder of unborn children is forgivable provided you take sensitivity training. Forgetting the booze, however, is punishable by death.)

As more people enter the temple, I receive many an odd look, as if the regular followers know I don't belong. Or it could be the fact that I'm in a badger costume hooting at people from the rafters like some kind of nocturnal flying badger.

I kind of zoned out for the next hour before the ritual officially begins. Fantasizing about you girlfriend when you're bored is one thing; moaning her name with your hand stuffed in your mouth is another thing entirely.

The Master of Ceremonies for tonight is a short Filipino man. he is dressed in a white robe, buy I am 63% sure he is not in the KKK. He seems the most tolerant of giant badgers, however, because he did manage to get the gatekeeper ladies to stop asking me to leave. He is apparently indoctrinating young boys to follow in his path, as they are dressed very similarly to him.

There seem to be many teens at tonight's ritual. This must be the teen edition. Even with a conspicuous lack of live professional music entertainment and free cell phones, I counted maybe 50-60 teens by the time we got started.

(Surprisingly, all of the teens I counted were also Asian. They must be exporting teens along with electronics and bird flu.)

I'm beginning to realize that the badger costume may have been a bad idea. Only one person is sitting within ten feet of me, and I think he's either looking for some hot badger lovin' or he's hunting me.

Based on the ritualistic prayer and entrance, most of the religion is just positive thinking. After this, some old lady reads from their holy book. Slightly bigger than a phone book, it is several times more boring. The passage promises that sheep will be returned to there owner if found in the parking lot after the ceremony. (Zepheniah 2:3, 3:12-13) The lack of badger references offends my chosen rodent species, but that's what we get for not having a strong lobby in Washington, D.C.

The Second Reading of Unending Boredom (1 Corinthians 1:26-36), by a slightly younger lady, is about phone calls. It warns against drunk calls at two in the morning to ex-girlfriends. Also, it warns against lying about penis length, because that's the kind of thing that gets out after a while. After this, they read yet another part of their book (Matthew 5:1-12), blessing all the pussies of the world. Then the MC explained the corruption of the Church; now the are sponsored by KFC, rather than Wonderbread, and some dog donated $5,000 to the Church. With previous business out of the way, he moves to next week's plans.

I think they're putting on their own, censored, version of Rent for the next 40 or so days, call "Lent." I may go see it, but only if they really burn someone at the stake.

(I don't know what it is, but something about burning the innocent gives me a fuzzy feeling inside.)

I'm afraid I couldn't pay attention to the rest of the lecture. There was something flashing outside the building, and then when the Giants won the Super Bowl all the men went crazy for a few minutes in celebration/mourning.

After the loyalty oath, (I just muttered "badger, badger" over and over and said the Pledge of Allegiance twice) they hit us up for money. I gave them half an orphan, but they didn't seem very pleased with me.

After everyone shook hands with everyone else, we went up for snacks. Apparently Satan is allergic to stale Jesus wafers and wine, so it keeps him out of the way. I honestly can't remember what happened for the last half hour because I got bored and started thinking about my girlfriend again. After the afterparty was announced, everyone left, going off to their lives, eagerly awaiting next week's meeting. They live among us, only noticeable in their Huckabee campaign buttons and NOTW stickers. Will they strike at America's infrastructure. In this humble badger's opinion, yes.

Driving sucks and other shit that happens to me.

2008-02-02T19:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is seriously too much for me. I'm giving up driving. As much as I love going fast and hurting the environment, driving just sucks. People are assholes, don't know how to drive, and I'm sick of it. I'd rather just live close to work and school than drive, even for just five minutes.

First off, driving is expensive as hell. Even if you buy a used car for dirt cheap, there's still insurance and gas to pay for. With gas creeping up to five bucks a gallon (and it will get there, mark you me) and miles per gallon still under fifty mpg for most cars, I simply can't afford to drive.

Then there's insurance. I'm not even going into what's wrong with mandatory car insurance, because that's enough rage to fill it's own article. Let's suffice to say it's to bloody expensive to pay through the nose BEFORE the accident happens, only to have the insurance people raise rates AFTER the accident.

Secondly, why do car companies produce cars that can go far faster than the posted speed limit? Is there some legal speed that you can only obtain with three billion horsepower, a hemi, and the blood of an orphan? Car companies only continue to produce cars that go so fast because the Government needs speeding ticket revenue and gas companies know that if they make cars that don't go faster than 70 mph, mpg would go up, and they'd sell less gasoline.

I got pulled over for allegedly going 83 mph in a 55 mph zone. What business did my '91 Buick Century have going that fast?

That's problem #3 I have with driving. I've been pulled over for speeding, rear-ended some guy (he was black, and his car was way nicer than mine, ESPECIALLY after the accident, make of it what you will), yelled at a lady for double parking, only to get reprimanded but the Dean of Students because she knew the lady I schooled with my logic, and got pulled over because the cop thought I was having a seizure in my car. I was dancing, HELLO! I did put on the cruise control, so it wasn't like I NEEDED my feet in the car at the time.

Like I said, the guy I hit was black. His car was apparently fresh off the lot, because he had the dealership plates instead of real California plates. He gets a ding, while the entire front end of my car is caved in and I can't even get the hood open. Does he just let it go? NO! he calls his insurance company practically that night, and now my insurance is hounding me for a statement. Asshole slams on his breaks with 20 feet of room between him and the crosswalk at the red light, and he has the gall to tell me his neck hurts. It worked fine while you were looking at your ding, di'n't it? Asshole.

And, a few days before that, some lady was double parking at the front parking lot of my school, chatting on her cellphone while her retarded son is doing some fairy dance around her car, at 7:30 in the morning, five minutes before class. I've honked at her for doing this before, but this time, after I parked elsewhere, she leans out the window to yell at me. "Like there was no other spot!" she shrieks as she squashes out her eighty-third cigarette of the morning. "You're double parking! I mean, it's okay if it's 6 in the morning and no one's here, but it's five minutes to class!" I respond, nobly and majestically. "What you're doing is illegal." Then I walked away, calmly, coolly, knowing that I just schooled her with a much needed dose of logic. Of course, in the real world, friends in high places trumps logic every time, so I got called to the front office and was unable to finish my dramatic interpretation of Hamlet as a pimp during my first period English class. Thank FSM I hadn't cussed the lady out, I probably would have been expelled! As it is, I had to write an apology letter.

The school may have realized that my pride is very important to me, but they forgot that I'm a total sellout!

Then I was listening to some music on the radio and a cop thought I was drunk or having a seizure. So he pulled me over, ascertained that I wasn't drunk or seizing, and let me prove that I DID have a right to bob my head crazily to music using some masterful logic involving illegal pelicans, the opossum infestation at my house, and the number 270.

The way I figure, if you don't live within walking distance of work, your source of food, and anything else you need, you're just asking for your car to break down. This isn't going to keep me from living in my car, mind you, but I sure as hell am not going to drive it anywhere.

Fatasses are ruining America.

2008-01-26T11:26:00.000-08:00

Man, I am tired of fat people.

What is it with fat people today? And I don't mean the overweight people of America, I mean the Oh My God your fat is spilling out of your car right on the freeway in front of me how could you get so fat?! Fat people are slow, more likely to appear on unscripted TV, clogging up the line at any fast-food joint, and being general fatasses.

They're calling obesity an epidemic these days, and the government is making it illegal to sell soda at school. First of all, since when is obesity contagious? Obesity isn't a disease, it's a fucking lifestyle choice. And not selling soda in school isn't going to make "America's Youth" any skinnier, it's just going to make them bring soda from home to school. And this takes money from the school because the school gets money from selling soda on campus. Now this money is going to disappear because fatasses are taking over.

"But Captain Cooley," you may ask, "how can I tell a fatass from someone who is merely overweight?" Well my child, the difference from between a fatass and a person who is overweight is that a fatass lets the fat control them, while overweight people control the fat. Overweight people are really just people who understand how good food is, just like stoners are people who enjoy being stoned. "Fucking druggies" on the other hand...

For starters, fatasses fucking waddle. I mean, they roll all that fat around as they walk, building up momentum to save energy. It looks disgusting. They should wear signs that let others no to hide the children when they come by, something on the lines of "Hide the Children! I'm too lazy to eat less and/or exercise more!"

Fatass women are always on their goddamn cell phones. Yaking away like they matter. And they go on stupid shows like American Idol.

And when fatasses wear skin-tight clothing and girdles to keep from rolling their fat, it looks like you can tip them over. They look top-heavy.

I was told that I should give some people who are overweight that I know some kind of head's up before I post this, and I thought about it, but then I decided I don't associate with fatasses. And they are the only ones who should get offended by this, not overweight people, because they have nothing to be ashamed of. And skinny people who try to defend the fatasses are just plain wrong and stupid. It's patronizing, stop defending their fatness. They can do it themselves.

NOTW my ass!

2008-01-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

So, there is, apparently, a fad that all the protestants are into nowadays. They feel the need to put the acronym, NOTW, on all of their shirts, trucks, bags, and keychains. And it's pissing me off.

Why is it pissing me off? Because you know, that if you dent their truck, or spill shit on them, or steal their keys, they will get totally pissed off at you, even though their little logo means "NOT OF THIS WORLD." What that SHOULD mean is that they aren't materialistic, and implies that they are, if not aliens, people going to heaven, which implies that the rest of us are going to hell.

In effect, everyone of those people is a hypocrite. If you see someone with NOTW on their truck or car, key it. In fact, key NOTW into their paint job, just to piss them off.

Another fun thing to do with people's cars: did you know that those "support our troops" bumper stickers are actually just magnets? Yup, you can just pop those suckers right off. What you should do is find a parking lot where a lot of people have those magnets, take them all off, then put them on one car near the front. Try to get them all over the place, the hood, the sides, the top, the back, everywhere. That way all the actual owners will get pissed off at that person, and that person will have no idea what's going on. We should all do this during the Democrat's caucus coming up soon; sure to be plenty of people with the magnets then...

College survival guide.

2008-01-26T11:23:00.000-08:00

How to survive at college.

I have graciously decided to let you all know what I'm planning on doing to get through college. Unlike most rich people, my parents will be sending me no money during the next four years, starting when I move out, and they will in all likelihood come to ME for money. Here is my simple Q Step Plan.

1. Plan before you go!

Remember, most of your friends will be getting money from their parents for tuition, food, rent, and probably even books! Many of them will only get "work" so that they have money to take out girls. Guys for dates, girls for shopping trips. So, what you want to do is find out who ISN'T going to college in the same city as you, and HIT THEM UP FOR MONEY! Take loans you know you can't pay back, and NEVER SPEAK TO THEM AGAIN!!! Or, if you can't get loans, find out when they won't be home and take their electronics. This way, you can prepare for college without damaging your reputation. Just don't get caught.

2. Pick your college carefully!

Don't go to a very expensive college. You won't be getting a lot of money, and what little you do get (birthdays, Christmas, Easter) you don't want to spend on Tuition. You want to spend that money on yourself! So, find the best deal you can. Schools in state are good, community college, that sort of thing. Any scholarships you can lie your way into winning will help out a LOT. Avoid schools like Yale, Harvard, and Stanford. It's like buying an $80 lotto ticket when you send in your application. YOU WON'T WIN!

4. Where to sleep?

Don't live on campus in dorms. Tell the college you've lined up housing off campus. Tell them any lie to get them off your back. Set up a PO box where they can send mail, or get some kind of box on campus, they should have them. I assume, here, that you have your own car. (it need not be insured. Just repeat to yourself: no tengo papeles, no tengo papeles.) What you do is sleep in your car. Find a Walmart that's open 24 hours, and they'll let you sleep there. Remember to give them your patronage to ensure that they don't break into your car. Make friends with the employees, too. This will save you money and a gym membership (on-campus gyms are usually good) will give you access to your basic hygeine needs.

7x-3. Don't buy books.

Books are a necessary evil in college, but for the most part you don't need to buy them. If you make friends, borrow theirs. If you make enemies, steal all of theirs (their parents can afford another set, I'm sure) and sell the ones you don't need. Libraries rock, because you can take books home with you, and they don't start calling for them back for about a month, long enough to put off doing that big project AND do it at the last minute. Make friends with a librarian to take care of your late fees.

666. Food is not that hard to find.

Do not eat out that often, and if you do, claim your wallet is in your "other pants," especially if you are wearing a skirt. Go with friends. If you must work (you will need to eventually, mooching can only get you so far), work at a food place where you get to eat all you want at lunch and after your shift. Finish your friends' food all the time. Go to parties towards the end when everyone is too drunk to recognize you, and bring a sack. Take all the leftover food. Trust me, they'll thank you, if you ever tell them you did it. As a last resort, the trash can be a plentiful source of food, if you aren't squemish. Only the truly poor or hungry or cheap should attempt this master-level of hobo-osity. I do it all the time, and have never been healthier. Just take an antibiotic once a week to take care of any slighty moldy food you consume.

C. Parties, oh the opportunities...

Never drive to a party. Go with others, or walk. This can save you from having your home impounded when you get pulled over drunk. Vagrancy is also against the law, but you can get away with warnings for that; drunk driving is a bit more serious. Do not bring your keys or identification or your wallet. Try not to get embarassing tattoos (anything on the forehead will embarass you for weeks). Remember the food is free. When everyone is totally drunk, remember to loot only a little. Just small stuff like ashtrays, electronics, etc... Cars are a no-no. And don't keep what you take. Sell it on the other side of town, or, even better, out of town.

1. Drinking.

I'm not going to tell you to drink responsibly. But you should drink SMRT. Drink far away from your car. Never drive to where you will drink. Never bring money (mooch) or your ID. Make sure your drinking companions are all STD free (STDF for short), just in case you get really drunk. Only drink in the USA, as they will rob you blind (literally, they will take organs) in Mexico, and in Canada they will arrest you and put in jail with Frenchies. For your freshman year, avoid hard liquor: tequila, whiskey, gin, anything with a "proof" after a number. Just stick with beer and wine.

(I forgot what number I'm on.) SexSexSexSex.

It's on your mind. But remember, if you put/let it in, something could come out in 9 months. And in the meantime, you could get a nasty disease. I say take use of the on campus health center (they're gonna make you pay a fee anyways, might as well get what you paid for), and get checked regularly, especially if you can't remember any period of longer than one hour. And remember, larger than a cucumber will tear you up. Like I mean serious tissue damage. Guys, you will feel it up the anus for a month, and shitting will become an ordeal.

9. Classes.

The least important part of getting through college is passing your classes. Get to know the professor without becoming annoying. If a professor passes you with an A, take any other classes he offers. Odds are another A. If a teacher seems like an ass, transfer to a different class. Find some other way to get the credit. Your goal (ultimately) is to graduate with some kind of diploma to get you a real job with a higher starting salary. Make friends with the people who do transfers at the main office, and the people who do grades. Make friends with the college nerds: they probably hacked the college computers back in high school to get themselves in on a full-ride scholarship, anyways. If they're there, they are the ones who didn't get caught, so they can help you without getting you caught as long as you don't piss them off. Some professors take bribery. If a professor harasses you, or you can frame them, take them to court and sue their asses off. You can take the money to a better college and bribe the teachers there.

I can't help you with life after college, but would everyone going to college in Berkeley, LA, or Irvine, California, please let me know, and could I have your addresses? I want to look you up before I leave...

Democracy exports are falling fast.

2008-01-26T11:22:00.000-08:00

On government.

What makes a country great is a number of individuals that make it that way, not policies or armies or economies. History can always be traced to several individuals who influenced the masses to greatness. Policies, therefore, exist only to allow the great people to better society.

As such, democracy is not always the best form of government. Americans are, for the most part, sheep that don't want power. So direct elections work for us because we want our leaders out of our hair, rather than power for ourselves. Now, in a country, like, say, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, where lots of people want power and happen to own AK-47s, democracy might not be the best form of government. For the great people in that country, a dictatorship that recognizes their talent and uses their ideas might be better than a democracy, where they would get shot for having ideas better than the local militia.

So, we can see that America's encouraging other nations to adopt democracy can, in some cases, only decrease stability in that area. Each country should choose its own method of governance.

And I'm still doing it!

2008-01-26T11:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I brush my teeth for fun.

I heard about some actor who does that. He actually walks around the set with a toothbrush in his mouth, getting his clean on. But I was doing that waaay before it was cool. Like, when it was nerdy.

What do you mean it's still nerdy?!??!!?

My body fascinates me. No, really, all of it, not just... that... one part. But since I was born, I've been curious about what I am, and why the fuck it doesn't stay the same. Why the hell does it need to keep getting bigger and smaller and hairier (my face, obviously)? But it keeps me entertained. Like, did you know I have classified 5 types of vomit in just 17 short years? And three of those during High School Musical 2? It's true.

The last time I went to Disneyland, must have been... oh, lets call it '83. The last time I went their was a "protein spill" outside of some ride. That's what they call it there, a "protein spill." But I saw the little child, saw their "leavings" and I was all, "Yeah, that's a class 3, try not to step in it, that smell will NOT go away."

I'll spare you the other classes, ok? Wouldn't want you going all class 2 on me.

I get disappointed sometimes when I hawk a loogie (who says that anymore?). Because sometimes there just isn't anything interesting. It's just your average everyday phlegm. That's no fun.

Every once in a while, I go damage myself. Not emo or anything, but I just feel like I have too much blood in me. So I get in a fight, or have a head-butting contest with a tree, or something. The last time, I turned off the light in my room and jumped into my bed. Thought it would be cool. Well, I hit the bottom of my nose (that little bit between nostrils) on the headboard juuuuust right, and I bled like crazy. I felt much better after. Who says nosebleeds can't be beneficial?

And the hair! It's been described as thick, full, manly, and attractive in a five minute period. And that's just on my head! But really, my beard (epic, a legend in South Korea) can get very annoying. I got mad at it a while ago, and shaved it. Well, it grew back. So I shaved it again. I've been letting it win since the 15th, out of laziness. Some people never can grow a beard, it's pretty sad. But they never look like they shaved! They never have the Insta-Stubble that I get immediately after shaving. I always get that (all seven times I've ever shaved)! It sucks! It's like a billboard: This guy tried to shave off his manhood!!! I envy their multi blade razors. I just will mine off.

All that, and my general clumsiness. Stupid limbs! What have they ever done for me? Sorry if I smacked you in the face recently, it was an accident, I swear! Unless you're that guy from Stater Bros. I mean that one, even if I said I didn't. That'll show you to get between me and the "for sale" rack of toothpaste!

Let's start a new tradition.

2008-01-26T11:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I had several ideas for this week's dose of ME, but this was the best, so you'll just have to wait for a slow week for my other idea. Which really sucks for you, because it would have been my most suggestive post to date. Oh well.

So, christmas trees. Retarded, I know. The first problem, or course, is that by the time I get off my ass to go get one, all the good ones are taken. Its always a little patch of tiny lame trees, or the dead ones they pile up at the back of the farm. All the 39765 footers are gone, or course, so I have to get a merely 39745 foot tall beast.

And then, or course, my dad being totally inebriated even before we get back home, can't put the damn thing up himself. And by the time I, yes, all by myself, get it up, the worst happens.

"It looks crooked."

The WOMEN get involved. They (and I'm not exagerating, this really happened) came out of the smoke filled kitchen, abandoning the cookies to Satan, and criticize my work.

My reply: "SCREW YOU! I JUST WORKED AT THIS FOR 2O MINUTES I COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, DAD PASSED OUT, SO HE DIDN'T HELP, AND NOW YOU TELL ME ITS CROOKED?!?!?!? Here, let me help you see how STRAIGHT it is...

At which point I extended my arms, tilt the person looking at the tree, and make it straight.

No, really, the entire house is really crooked, the actual tree is straight. No, I swear, it is! No, we are NOT fixing the house tonight!

It is impossible to get the damn things straight. So here's my solution. We should hang the trees upside down from the ceiling. This way, it will always be straight, as it will point straight down towards the center of the earth. That, and all the holes in the branches will cover up. Instead of the branches sticking out all gay like.

See how much better it is? And when you're done, just cut the sucker down! Let it fall where it may, then chuck it right out the window!

I can't wait for New York City to embrace this new holiday tradition. Day after Christmas: trees plummeting to the ground, killing hundreds of innocent pedestrians. Not only will the day after Christmas be a slow news day no longer, but hanging Christmas trees upside down will be a great talking point.

The Blueroom sucks.

2008-01-26T11:16:00.000-08:00

The AT&T Blueroom ruined my KROQ Almost Acoustic Christmas experience. I firmly believe that it wouldn't have sucked so bad if I had been there myself. All the bands I saw (Avenged Sevenfold, Bad Religion, Linkin Park) were terrible. I would have seen more, but I was stuck working a Spanish Luncheon. If you know what I'm talking about, I pity you.

Linkin Park, right now, they're butchering all their best songs, LIVE! I gave up on Bad Religion after the first song, and I only had to suffer through two Avenged Sevenfold murders. Because they ruined those songs. Did all these bands randomly lose their rhythms? I think yes.

Hopefully Night 2 is better, but I don't think it will be. I don't know most of the bands, but I have seen Jimmy Eat World and Muse live, so the end should be tolerable. At least I'll be able to test my theory that the internet sucks all the cool out of live shows while they travel the phone lines.

The Blue Room has got to be the gayest idea to come out of AT&T since they decided to merge with Cingular. A live show used to mean that you were there, within a 500 meters of the band. Now, people in Ohio are watching the concert, and tomorrow they'll go to whatever people in Ohio do on Sundays (something satanic, I'm sure), and they'll be all, "What did you do last night?" And they'll respond, "I saw a live show in Southern California, it was OK!"

But it wasn't OK. It was barely mediocre. Poor Ohioans don't know what good concerts are like because no one tours in Ohio by choice. And don't tell me people go to Cleveland all the time. Its all a lie perpetuated by the Communist State of Ohio to trick people to go there and be brainwashed.

Did you know that, that Ohio was Communist? I did. They aren't even American anymore, Ohio is a sovereign nation now.

I don't blame KROQ for this utter failure in live show technology. I blame AT&T and the Commies in Ohio.

Get God now!

2008-01-26T11:15:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of free will? Tired of thinking? Willing to give up all responsibility for your actions and avoid consequences?

Get GOD today!

With a Supreme Being, you can use the time-honored excuse of "I was doing what I was told" to evade all responsibilities for your actions.

Want to be a racist?

We can find a GOD to give you an excuse to lynch all you want!

Want to take something your neighbor has?

GOD will justify it, for the low low price of 10%! Of everything!

"I was just tired of justifying my actions to others, you know? So, I, like, just started bla... I mean saying that GOD is why I did stuff. It's just, easier, you know? I'm really glad I let my Lord do all the thinking for me now." -A satisfied customer.

"With GOD, I had a bullet-proof excuse to hate people not like me, and when my actions, like, the stuff I did went bad, and people got mad at me, I just said that's what GOD wants us to do, and they like, believed me! Everyone should get GOD." -Jimmy W. Morisson, Georgian Protestant

Just call your local religious association today to find the brand of GOD that's right for you.

*This advertisement was not endorsed by GOD, GOD-CORP, or any of its subsidiaries. In fact, most GOD users will feel horribly offended by this. GOD should not be taken intravenously without the supervision of a licensed GOD practitioner. Improper use of GOD may result in leprosy, sores, and turning into a block of salt. If you have health problems or may be pregnant, hurry up and get GOD now!

**Not intended for penguins.

Notre Dame again.

2008-01-26T11:14:00.000-08:00

Why is the administration acting so hostile to various activities?

I realized something today. I'm not Maddox (maddox.xmission.com) or Thilo (www.ninjapirate.com). I'm Cooley, and I have an audience of maybe thirty, not thirty thousand. For the six people not in Notre Dame who read this, I apologize. But this article needs to be written, seeing as how the administration at Notre Dame High School has acted these last few months.

On Friday (11/30/07) a handout reached me about a workday on Sunday, one that I was already planning on going to. However, I thought we'd actually be working on sets and the like for the Theatre Guild. That's how it usually is, work for three hours getting sets together, then go home. Not this time, however. This workday was to move all the theater stuff, old sets and paint, mostly, out from behind the gym, where it's been stored for as long as I've been in the Theatre Guild.

Apparently it's a fire code violation to keep it there, so we were told to move it all away immediately. No time to prepare a place to move it to. But all the theater people reading this already know all this.

Why is this happening? Why would the administration be so hostile all of a sudden?

The problem is, the Theatre Guild distracts from the sports of Notre Dame. Almost all high schools in the country are run by there sports teams, because parents mostly go to sports events, and that's the part of the school that they see the most. When ND wins, parents feel good. When ND puts on a good play, the administration couldn't care less, because barely any of the ND community, parents and students, go to them.

This explains why the administration only told us today, grudgingly, that we needed to move our stuff (today! no prior warning at all) so they could fix up the back of the gym. I mean, they weren't going to tell Mrs. Griffey, she had to pry the information out of them. They're just pissed that our football team keeps losing when everyone's watching.

And why doesn't everyone at school know exactly what renovations are going on? I would scream from the rooftops that ND was getting fixed up so it would suck less. But our administration is trying to hide it, like no one knows how bad everything is.

And the Spanish Luncheon, in its final year, may not even be able to be put on this year because of the administration. Someone in there does not like the luncheon, apparently, because it distracts from sports. Again, not a lot of people go see it, even though it usually is good, and the administration would rather they pay attention to ND Sports. When was the last time we won? Someone let me know, when was the last time ND came out on top in football or basketball? Because those are really the only two sports that matter to the administration.

I'm getting really tired of the administration at ND screwing up the school. We need to put more power over the everyday workings of ND in the hands of people it affects. The power should be divided one-third to the administration as it is, one-third to the teachers, and one-third to the ASB. Students have a lot more at stake in the facilities (coughBATHROOMScough) than Mr. R does (he has a private bathroom in the front office, apparently). Teachers are affected by stupid liturgies and pep rallies, because it messes up testing and lectures and projects.

We need to hold the administration more accountable for what it has been doing. I suggest a meeting of all the parents affected by this, the students, the teachers, and the administration people. And no coaches. We don't need the football coach promoting his paint business during the meeting. He does enough of that all day during school.

I call for impeachment trials for gross neglect of the ND community and campus. Lets change our government. Seniors, lets leave ND bettter than it was, let's actually make it worth being proud of!

Bullshit Detectors, on sale now!

2008-01-26T11:12:00.000-08:00

A bullshit detector is a fine-tuned sense that most people are born with, then lose when they watch too much television. It allows a person to immediately sense when they are being fed a line of bullshit, and an excellent bullshit detector will give a person the need to point it out to everyone they know, in order to improve their bullshit detectors. Advertisements exist solely to destroy this sense in people, and politicians... Do I even need to say it?

For example, my bullshit detector goes off all the time. Its actually a physical pain in my gut and head at the same time, as if I can actually feel my I.Q. dropping from being exposed to that level of bullshit. While most people don't understand the concept of a bullshit detector, most have them, and I have taken it upon myself to enlighten all of you. That is, if your bullshit detector hasn't already gone off several times from reading this.

1. Alliteration: the repetition of a leading vowel or consonant sound in a phrase.

For example: Fight or Flight response; practice what you preach; etc...

Whenever I hear or see alliteration, I take a moment to think. Hm, my bullshit detector just killed three orphans in my head, so what's wrong with this phrase? I've already written about the Fight or Flight response, but the other day I heard someone tell me to "practice what you preach, ok?" And right there, this chick is asking me if its OK to tell me what to do. You know what I told her? "NO, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU PRACTICE WHATEVER THE HELL YOU PREACH! I DON'T PREACH, I'M TELLING YOU WHAT THE FUCK TO DO GET OVER IT! Then her cop boyfriend took me aside, so I beat the shit out of him.

But really, priests and monks and whiny politicians preach. I'm telling one person what to do in one specific instance, with circumstances that don't apply to anyone else, least of all me, and they think they win the argument because they say one phrase that sounds deep, but isn't. Preachers almost never practice what they preach, ever. Just look at politicians. They say we should conserve energy, but then they use more electricity than the entire state of Utah. (Yeah, I'm calling Gore on that. What a douche.)

2. Any weight loss program.

Anyone who thinks they should lose weight is by definition a loser. Period. Even though the majority of Americans are overweight at the moment, we should just let evolution take care of it. Fatties are ugly. Fatties don't get laid. Fatties die childless and alone. Skinny people populate the earth, and everyone is mind-bendingly hot. Then global warming kicks in and everyone's got awesome weather and everyone dresses like their at the beach. A powder is invented that turns water into beer and everyone has a huge party. For everyone out their who does not need to lose weight yet thinks they do, they just need to get laid is all. Improve that self-esteem.

3. Religion.

Religion is a means of controlling people's actions and making them like it. See that Buddhist turn down his steak? Laugh at him, because he thinks he's better than steak, and he's wrong. The problem with most religious people is that they think that one person can be better than another solely based on what they believe will happen to them after death. Fuck religion, except mine, which is totally right, and I'll be laughing at all the losers from Pastafarian heaven with it's beer volcano and stripper factories. I'm such a good person.

Did it go off? If it did, congratulations, you still have a bullshit detector. If it didn't, you need to reread everything on my blog about six or seven times, then go live in the real world for a while.

Fuck Farmers.

2008-01-26T11:10:00.000-08:00

Farmers piss me off to no end. All they do all day is plant food that feeds us, and slave day after day at thankless labor... Oh wait, they haven't done that in a hundred years!

Since the Great Depression and that bastard FDR, with his "helping the people," farmers have been paid by the government just for being farmers. If they have a shortage of something, like turnips, and don't produce enough, they get a check from the government to make up the losses. If they produce too much and drive prices down, the government steps in with another check to make up for the losses. Farmers get paid no matter how they do.

Interesting to see where all those tax dollars go, eh?

Since time immemorial, farmers have been idiots. All the smart people avoided being farmers like the plague. Look at it this way, doctors don't want to help people, they're just trying to avoid an honest day's labor. Every time the demand for something increases, they ALL immediately start growing that one crop. And that's it. If its turnips, they don't grow cotton. If its cotton, they don't grow wheat. They then overproduce, drive the prices down, and all die because they're stupid hicks.

"Farmers" today just sit in office buildings, monitering the crops by computers and such, and hire Mexicans to do all the hard work. They even won't hire me, just because I want a living wage.

But farmers pre-FDR were idiots. Ever hear of supply and demand?

If you increase supply, prices go down. If you decrease demand, prices go down. Overproduction = Stupid! Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance, assholes!

Thanks to the government, now farmers can be as stupid as they want, and still feed their hordes of children. And smart people can get in on the free money and game the system, stealing even more tax dollars. I say, if the farmers can't pay their bills, take their land. When they figure out how to manage their own damn land and finances without government intervention every step of the way, they can start feeding us again. Until then, everyone starve.

Download music!

2008-01-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

Apparently some recording studios are sad that their music is being freely distributed. They claim this hurts the bands more than the studios. But I don't get it: only recording studios are getting shut down, not bands like Paramore or the Foo Fighters or whatever hip hop/rap trash is being played these days. So they tell you it hurts the small, new bands.

You know what? If these bands were good, they'd play more live shows. They should make their money performing, not spending a week in a recording studio and making boatloads of money that way.

A modern recording studio is not that expensive to make, even if you just make it in your own house. Soundproofing, a mix-board, some high quality microphones, and instruments don't cost that much.

By playing more and better live shows, even just locally, bands can still make plenty of money. Recording studios are mostly not necessary, especially in the days of the internet, when distributing music is practically free.

Independent bands playing locally were killed by the recording industry. Using the cheap advertising of the internet and playing live shows, they are starting to make a comeback.

Download illegally. By killing the recording studios, and ending their monopoly on what gets produced and played on the radio, the free market can take over again. Bands will stop making obscene amounts of money, and work harder to make the money they do earn. This translates into cheaper music and more of it, which is really all we want.

If there were more local shows, going to a concert three or four times a month would easily become the norm. The bands that are acutally good live would make much more money than the bands that suck live. These bands would still produce music, you can't silence artists. They just wouldn't make tons of money at the expense of the masses.

Most people can't afford to buy all the music they want. Even sharing CDs and copying music that way is just too hard. The poor tend to be grouped with the poor, and they just can't afford to get music at all. You know these people, they are the people who still use CD players and burn their music at other peoples' houses.

Did you know a CD player at Walmart is as cheap as 16.73 USD? The latest iProduct, the iPhone, recently dropped its price to 400 USD.

Let the rich buy there music legally. Everyone else, download illegally, and help to overthrow the imperialistic, monopolistic recording companies. Ask yourself: what would Che do?

We're losing the war!

2008-01-26T11:07:00.000-08:00

The Declaration of Independence states that everyone has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Basically, this means that everyone alive has the right to stay alive; that everyone has the right to decide what they are going to do, and when to do it, and that everyone can pursue happiness by any means necessary, so long as it does not infringe on another's rights.

Isn't the U.S. government a bunch of hypocrites?

Driving fast makes me happy. Digging random holes on my property, then filling them back up, makes me happy. Smoking marijuana makes me happy.

Do any of these things infringe on your rights? Of course not. But I'm not supposed to do them, because they are "against the law" or "suspicious."

Ammendment Nine of the Bill of Rights says that people have more rights than those actually written into the Constitution, and that the government shouldn't make them illegal.

I'm not just making this huge deal because I got a speeding ticket, although that should be reason enough. I'm writing this to point out the biggest infringement of rights by any government to date: the War on Drugs.

I know how to end the War on Drugs: give up. Legalize the crap out of drugs, and there will be no more problem. Pardon the whopping 58% of the prison population in prison solely on drug offenses, and get them off of the government budget.

Hey, that solves the overcrowded prison problem, too. And it should cut down on gang problems. Oh, damn, big business will just move in and corrupt the whole damn thing again. Forget it, we should move the other way.

Lets suspend all human rights. Life? Hah! Into the gas chambers you go. Liberty? Do anything we didn't tell you to, and into the gas chambers you go. Pursuit of happiness? We'll beat the crap out of you, then, you guessed it, into the gas chambers you go.

What have rights ever done for anyone anyways? They were invented by monarchs as an excuse to continue being in charge. Claimed God said so.

Gas chambers, what was it they remind me of... shit, Hitler used those, because he was a fascist. Fascism isn't "cool" anymore, damn. Guess we just need to fix up the rights of the individual, after all.

"But what about crime?" you may ask. "Aren't most violent crimes drug related?" Of course. So let's make firearms illegal. We really don't need guns, anyway. At least, we won't once we get the government back under control. But, because most people need to own a weapon of some sort, we can legalize all other weapons. Longbows, not crossbows (because they're too much like guns), swords, knives... All those should be allowed. Real men will fight like men again. And druggies can just sit around at home and get high.

You know who never goes around, causing havoc and terror around the country? A druggy strung out on his couch stuffing half-cooked homemade pizza into his mouth while staring at his ceiling fan.

Who the hell voted for the idiots who decided to spend so much damn money hunting down innocent druggies. All they want to do is spend their days stoned out of their bloody minds, and we are spending billions of dollars A DAY to stop them. That's why 30% of the money you earn goes straight to the federal government.

Legalize drugs. Outlaw guns. And for the love of FSM, let me dig random holes and fill them in again!

Don't read this lame poetry! I'm serious.

2008-01-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

You shouldn't read this.

Billions of people access myspace everyday. pervs by the billions.

Scared yet?

asian porn fills the margins, click me it screams!!!!!

what's my crushes name? wouldn't I know?

no.

participation required, institutionalized bullshit complaints disregarded.

youtube, xtube, metacafe...

and what the hell is 4chan?

jackie chan's paypal?

my pal gets paid, i get drugs.

phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

its not enough, never enough! post a bulletin and shout at the masses:

wake up!

Sermon on the mount: guide to life! Has anyone actually read it?

'Course not! he chuckles, secure in his office.

he plays paper games on paper planes

always on a plane, in a hurry to scurry

around the globe, to steal from the poor

to sell to the rich

a modern day sherrif of rottingham

sherwood forest burned down in arson, 3 casualties.

set this to a lame beat, sell it to the masses

blow it all in court on gang charges

rap is racist, sexist, never gets called on

and the whitest kids, you know?

can't fight back, called crackers

but this ain't the Ritz

can't order room service

stuck with the bill, $100 for the spa?

and which elected official flew to italy this weekend?

write it off as a business expense.

unfair trade practice, the american empire grows apace

"No such thing, you commie!"

And why don't you shave?

I told you not to waste your time, but you didn't listen

do you ever?

nonconformity is the norm

and so is lame psychosomatic poetry, posted on myspace

never never never repost

especially this.

You're in luck, people who hate me.

2008-01-26T11:03:00.000-08:00

OK, that's it, I give up. I give up on life.

I'm so tired of driving. And today I got a ticket for speeding.

But what an experience!

He was very polite. Firm, and wouldn't let me off with a warning, but very polite.

And what's so wrong with driving 28 miles per hour over the speed limit? Who's the real criminal here, me, for trying to get off the hell known as the American Highway system, or the people who produce infernal contraptions that, regardless of how fast you drive, pollute the air and environment, depriving our children of the world we enjoy today? I'll give you a clue: it ain't me.

Does anyone know how much doing 83 in a 55 zone is going to cost? Hopefully its not more than a hundred bucks. I worked the elections yesterday, and that's how much I'm supposed to make.

And can I just say that people who refuse to read and understand simple on-screen directions should be euthanized immediately where they stand? All these people had to do was insert a card into a large yellow slot, and they could vote. It said so on the bloody screen, with a big freaking arrow pointing at the slot. Who should get a ticket, me for moving traffic along, of stupid sacs of elderlyness that keep people from enjoying their right to vote? Here's another hint: its still not me.

We should do away with democracy. Nobody really wants to govern themselves. Everyone just wants to either be governed, or to govern everyone.

My internet just crapped out again. If you have Verizon DSL, you need to switch to something else. I am getting so tired of it randomly crapping out on me, and the bastards at their call center don't know how to fix it.

Q: Why would anyone want to drive for upwards of 3 hours a day?
A: Nobody would.

I'd rather stop pretending that I can afford to drive, get a bike, and ride it wherever I need to go. Or walk. I figure if the necessities of life aren't within walking distance of your house or work, you're just asking for your car to break down.

I hate my life right now.

No, really, I do. I'm tired of driving all the freaking time, and waiting for people to catch up to me, and driving back, and doing it all over again.

Maybe I should marry. A wife would make me feel better when I get Home.

Any takers?

Nukes are retarded.

2008-01-26T11:02:00.000-08:00

What in the world could a nuclear device of mass destruction possibly be used for?

When, in the history of people, has there ever been a gathering of several million people who need to die all at once? Have their ever been that many Mussolinis and Hitlers and Osama bin Ladens in one place? Wouldn't it make more sense to stick with conventional weapons that can destroy factories that produce ammunition and tanks, or bunkers full of enemy soldiers, or even bridges without destroying the school down the street? How about a simple bomb that doesn't irradiate the surrounding land, making it tactically useless?

I have never needed a bomb that could flatten all of Hemet at once. Hemet isn't exclusively producing military weaponry and recruits, and does not contain everyone I want to kill all at the same time.

There are two ways to win a war: convince the people you are fighting that it just isn't worth it, or kill anyone who disagrees with you.

Nuclear weapons are weapons of terror. They are supposed to terrorize people into thinking that if they disagree with the guy with a bomb, they will be vaporized. Most dictators get by with just the threat of an ounce of lead.

Nuclear weapons are expensive, hard to maintain, dangerous, and ultimately pointless. However, there is one instance in which nukes are not only appropriate, but absolutely necessary.

We need to nuke the whales.

The SoCal fires Rocked!

2008-01-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

So, how 'bout this weather, eh?

Smoky, dark, fire and death on the winds... My kind a place. Normally I'll settle for rain. Then its cold, dark, foggy, and wet. But this is way better.

Fog itself is awesome. Its so easy to sneak up on people. I like to drive fast when its foggy and be purposely reckless. I don't have time to drive cautiously, I'm in a hurry! I've got places to go, things to see, people to do... I don't want to stop!

But this smoke, I can't wait until everyone dies. Doctors from one of the clean-air states like Montana will come and perform autopsies, and when they get to our lungs they'll think we were all chain smokers. Plus, old people are going to die sooner, and everyone likes it when old people die sooner.

These last few fire seasons were kind of lame. Always little fires that never got anywhere. These arsonists know how to start a fire! Its just how I would have done it, too. Multiple locations, right before the Santa Anas kick up... And planned so they all join into one big super-fire. Idea: we should have an unofficial arson day next year. Anyone who likes fire should go into the woods, start a fire, and leave. Just let it burn.

Southern California should catch fire EVERY week.

Some dumb Survey I took.

2008-01-26T10:58:00.000-08:00

Hi, my full name is: CENSORED BECAUSE I'M APPLYING FOR COLLEGE

When I'm nervous: I'm never nervous. I wait for my victims calmly.

The last song I listened to: Los Angeles is Burning, Bad Religion. It seemed appropriate.

By this time next year: Halloween will be coming up.

I have a hard time understanding: How people can be so dumb. And yet they all manage to reproduce...

Take my advice:

In the morning I: Eat for about an hour. Just eating.

Last night I was: Having dirty hot sex with your girlfriend. And her best friend at the same time.

My heart is: An abyss so dark there is no hope for deliverance.

1. Do you smoke weed? No, but I'd love to sell to you. Find me a supplier, and I'll totally hook you up.

2. Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks? No, I usually don't get a chance, we just rip each other's clothes off so fast...

3. Who are the last people that came to your house? FBI. No, seriously, they were asking if we knew anything about the fires. I made sure Los Angeles is Burning was on really loud in the back while they were here.

4. Is there someone you want to fight? The bastard who hacked my Myspace account and dissed my religious beliefs. Veeeery Christian of you by the way!

6. Song playing? Honest Goodbye, Bad Religion

7. What are you doing tomorrow? Starting another fi.... uh, fiesta! Party!!!!

8. Do you know what a tragus is? Yeah, who doesn't?

9. Name all your piercings- My skin is impervious to all methods of attack, including piercings.

10. Have you ever watched the Britney Spears movie, Crossroads? No, unless you mean the unauthorized porno by the same name...

11. What did you do today? Messing around, causing mischief and havoc on a grand scale...

12. Are you tired? No. You can never show weakness in front of the most dangerous game.

13. What color socks do you have on? A damning hue of red with orange flames.

14. What color is the shirt you are wearing? Its white, with an image of racing kittens. The winner gets to live, you know.

15. Are you a predator? Sure, why not.

16. Do you like anyone? No, I hate everyone.

17. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Wondering why the hell my shows got cancelled.

18. How long does it take you to get ready to go to school? Less than one second. I'm everywhere at once.

19. Have you been outside of the U.S.? Wait, there are still sovereign countries abroad? I thought we fixed that...

20. Last movies you watched? Battle Royale.

21. Why do guys/girls say they aren't going to cheat then they really do it anyway? Because I feel like it. Who told you what we had was special, anyways? I certainly didn't. If it was, I would have let you know, trust me.

22. Do you wish at 11:11? Who the fuck does that?

23. Do you wear contacts or glasses? No, its a sign of weakness. I just pretend I can see.

24. Next vacation you're going on? You can't take a vacation from life. But hey, why don't you try anyways? I hear pills are a painless way to go...

25. What was the last rumor you heard about yourself? That I'm a total badass. Its true.

26. Happy? That's not a question, thats a word. Let me revise this:
26a. Does starting fires make you happy? Well, what a provocative question. But I'm pretty sure the FBI is on my tail. So no.

27. Who is the last person you hugged? Hugs are for pussies.

28. The last place you went out to? Camparos. Its a small Italian restaurant in Hemet that's totally awesome.

29. Who/What made you angry today? Where do I begin?

30. Do you sing in the shower? Hell no. I'm too busy washing all the blood off me from my last kill.

31. Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally? No. Why would they?

32. Do you find yourself loved? I prefer feared.

33. Has anyone you were close to you passed away recently? You bet. Almost all the people who pass away because of me are in my proximity.

34. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? In a car. But I was driving. With my eyes open. Wakefulness is for pussies.

35. What's orange, near you? Shit, I don't know. An orange.

36. What is your natural hair color? Brown. That's what it says on my license.

37. Where was your default picture taken? Nowhere. I edited it myself using copyrighted images.

38. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? On a world wide killing spree. Just cleaning the gene pool is all.

39. How many kids do you want to have? Killed? Where do I begin. And why is there no infinity key on my keyboard?

40. Do you believe in second chances? No, it should only take one headshot to kill someone. If you miss, they get to live. Period.

Man I wish I had some hate mail.

2008-01-26T10:56:00.000-08:00

So, apparently I don't get traditional hate mail, or even hate email. I get hate comments. Why is everyone saying they don't care if Dumbledore's gay or not? Its a major integral important part of the book, people!!! JKR wouldn't have told us, otherwise. Duh! This is all deep literary character development: we're supposed to re-read every bloody Dumbledore passage in her books to see if you can tell.

This isn't that big of a shock to me, even. I was way more shocked when I found out Magneto and Gandalph were gay. And when Bush lied. And when the Russians weren't our friends anymore. And when Kerry wasn't the war hero he said he was. And when our governor reneged on all his campaign promises. And when Hemet turned out to be where old people go to die. And when Myspace was lame. And when Hitler was... well, Hitler. And when the iPhone was a piece of crap. And when Verizon sucked. And when the sun abandoned me earlier today.

Get the picture?

Dumbledore's gay!

2008-01-26T10:55:00.000-08:00

Following the tradition set by the Best Page in the Universe and the Second Best Page in the Universe, I have written my own Harry Potter article.

So. Dumbledore is gay. Can't say I knew it, but it does make sense.

What doesn't make sense is how the series can be for little people anymore.

I know a four year old who studies the series like the Pope studies the Bible. How can this series be for him?

This revelation makes the ending of the first five books, and all of the sixth book inappropriate. How is it that Dumbledore gets special "alone time" with Harry for at least a chapter per book, and for most of the sixth when he's a fag? What did Rowling leave out, I wonder...

I want to take a vote, leave a comment for your favorite description of Dumbledore's sexuality.

Dumbledore is a: faggot, butt-pirate, "confirmed bachelor", queer, fairy, and fairy wizard. He loves other wizards' "wands." He's a foot-tapper. He loves the fantasy porn. He likes it "dark" (Grindelwald reference).

Damn, I thought I had a lot more in me. Oh well, that's it. I guess pretty much the only place we won't find Dumbledore is the Pink Taco, a popular mexican restaurant in LA.

Use your brain BEFORE your mouth!

2008-01-26T10:54:00.001-08:00

Some things have been bugging me. Mostly the way people talk.

I mean, here we are, with our wonderful big brains, and we all make the same mistake, over and over.

We forget to use them.

I was buying some books today, at the B&N, and I paid, like a good American, for my journal full of recently handwritten cheat codes, and the lady tells me to "Have a good night."

How does one respond to that? Nobody wants to have a bad night, or a bad day, because we all hear the "Have a nice day" routine. So we usually respond with a thanks, you too in their general direction as we walk away. But what does this mean? To me it sounds like, without a banding together of the oppressed masses by hopeful wishing for a "good day," I and the person wishing this good day on me will wander, lost among sadness until we both lose it and go postal on the freeway because the Freeway Jam got cancelled.

And what if you don't want a nice day? What do you do then? Crush this woman's hopes and dreams? Normally I would say yes, go for it, but then she might not give you the random shit you decided to pay for today, and that could take time to straighten out. So here's what you do. When they tell you to have a nice day, you just say: "Thanks, but I have other plans."

BAM! You just totally threw their normal shitty day out of wack! Not only were you polite so you could get out of there quickly with a minimum of fuss, you didn't band with them against the onslaught of the world. You just told them that you're above their pitiful "good" day. You imply that you have so many of them, you sometimes have bad days on purpose, just for the hell of it.

If you want to get even more subtle, you are also implying that you don't need them to provide you with happiness. You choose when to have good days, and then you act in such a way as to make your day good. And sometimes, you don't just have a good day, you might have a (dare I say it?) "great" day. See what a little thinking can show you? Mostly how other people don't think, but sometimes you come up with a way to make money off of them, so I do it now and then. Just in case.

The other thing is, why do women, and some guys, when they feel the need to answer nature's call, tell you precisely what they need to do? They tell you, out of the blue, "I have to pee."

This pisses me off to know end. Why can't they just say they need to use a bathroom, a toilet-housing facility of some sort? Trust me, I can guess why you need to go there, you don't have to tell me.

And if they don't want me to guess, tough. I prefer it this way. There are a thousand and one not disgusting things they could do in there for 2-3 1/2 minutes that I would prefer to think of rather than peeing. Like smoking pot.

Don't tell me you need to pee. I'll tell you I need to beat the shit out of you because... Hell, do I even need more of a reason? Of course not.

Just remember to wash your hands before you do use the public facilities. And after, too, I suppose.

Who wants to buy some popcorn?

2008-01-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

This post is from when I was selling popcorn for the Boy Scouts of America. It is no longer for sale.

Do you like popcorn?

And I want you to hear me out, this popcorn is really good. And I mean, REALLY good. As in spend every dime you have on this popcorn I'm selling.

Plus, its for a good cause: Me. Here's the deal. My parents are as of now poor as dirt. No, poorer: dirt doesn't owe anyone money. Now, this summer, I want to go to summer camp with my Scout troop, mostly so I can sell illicit materials and substances to other Scouts. But, I can't go because my parents can't afford it, and I'll be damned if I pay out of my own pocket. I get 30% of whatever I make off of popcorn for summer camp. So, my summer camp is gonna cost $450, and I need to sell $1500 worth of popcorn.

But how can you order some popcorn you may ask? Simply let me know what you want to order, and I'll hook you up. I need the money by the 22nd, and you'll get the popcorn sometime in the next 3 weeks or so. Just in time for Thanksgiving snacks and timed perfectly for Christmas gifts. Plus, if the person you're giving it to is a douche, you can open the popcorn bag in the can before you give it to them, and it'll go stale. Kind of like your relationship.

For all you cheapskates out there, the 11oz tin is for you. For a mere $8, you get not only 11oz of delicious caramel corn (now with peanuts!), you also get a decorative tin you can store... stuff... in. Like drugs... And then you can hide it in your closet and get rid of that cookie jar you wrote "POT" on when you were high.

Some people, though, they just want to watch a movie with a bag of microwavable popcorn in their own home. For $15, or about a dollar a bag, you can get a 15-pack of microwave popcorn in three varieties: Unbelievable Butter (Unbelievably Delicious!), Butter Light (Now with less Sodium and 0g Trans Fat!!!), and Kettle Corn (Old-fashioned flavor!). Its a better deal than store-bought microwave popcorn, and it keeps forever. I suggest you buy about 6 boxes to hold you over until you can buy more next Fall.

Caramel Corn Light and Gourmet Caramel Corn are perfect kiss-ass gifts to people who have power over you. The larger size says: "This isn't a token gift. I really don't want to be fired." Plus, if you find yourself in some third-world country (LA comes to mind) you can eat it in front of hungry children and taunt them. Or hobos, its really up to you. Where else could you get such fun for only $18 dollars?

Enter man with can of Chocolatey Caramel Crunch. He's surrounded by about 67 hot, scantily-clad women, but they appear uninterested in him. He opens the can (decorated Holiday style) and all the women instantly go moist. They mob him at once, rubbing their nubile bodies all over him. We all know women love chocolate, so what could be better than chocolate covered popcorn that is 89% chocolate by weight? Nothing. I win. That man was me last year at some college football game. So I'm not shitting you. Its only $18.

As a side note, all the losers spraying themselves with Tag and Axe body sprays (I believe the term is "body fragrance") were totally ignored.

If you want a really great deal on the microwave popcorn, you can get 5 boxes of it for $30. Good quality, great deal.

Have you ever made yourself a quesadilla with about 3 pounds of cheese? Stuff all your tamales with cheese? Dream of swimming in cheese? Can't help you with that last one, sicko, but I can help with your cheese addiction. And by help I mean exacerbate. The $35 Cheese Lover's Delight is a huge tin with two 7oz bags of cheddar doused popcorn and one 7oz bag of white cheddar popcorn. So get some and stifle the craving for a couple minutes. Then buy 10 more.

Attention people who are loaded, or whose parents have a checking account! These next two tins are the real good stuff, so buy like 1094175072 of 'em. The Savory and Sweet 3-Way Tin ($40) has all three of your favorite types of popcorn: Caramel for taunting poor people (like my family and me, who incidentally can't afford all this popcorn); Cheddar Cheese popcorn to satisfy your cheese-lust; and Chocolate for the ladies. And no, there are no roofies that can be added to these. Pervs. Trying to trick innocent young girls into eating tainted popcorn. Scout popcorn is totally trustworthy, like a real scout. Tastes much better, though. So don't worry.

Women, this one is totally for you. Guys, grab your older sisters and make them read this part. We have a 5-WAY CHOCOLATE LOVER'S TIN!!!! Its "CHOC-FULL of Chocolatey Goodness!" I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure its better than heroin. You get a bag of chocolate covered popcorn, white chocolate covered popcorn, regular and white chocolate covered pretzels, and chocolate covered peanut clusters. All in sizable 18-20oz portions, of course! Buy just one of these, and you are practically donating $15 bucks to send me to summer camp, from just one tin!

Oh, and if you want, the popcorn company will send a thing of popcorn treats to troops overseas for $25.

Remember, I need the money for your orders by Monday the 22nd. Normally I'd give you guys some leeway and cover it with a check and keep the cash, but I'm poor now. Make checks payable to BSA Troop 43.

Actually, I apologize to you all for this blatant advertising. I really didn't want to sell popcorn, but they rejected my idea. I wanted to sell Boy Scout cookies. They'd be like Girl Scout cookies, but huge. Like the size of a pizza, and 4 inches thick. We'd charge like $20 each, but you all know if you saw a cookie that big you'd buy it.

See me at school to make orders or email me. If you don't go to Notre Dame, give me your address and I'll drop it off one day after I get it, and I'll email you to let you know when I'll drop it off.

I got hacked, and ASB sucks.

2008-01-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

Goddamn I'm pissed off right now.

I decided today to write an article about the stupidity of ASB, and explain why I quit after a few meetings. But then I saw my Myspace when I got home. After something like a year without getting hacked once, someone either guessed my password, or the stupid IE browser saved it and someone logged on from my school.

Luckily, I wasn't phished. Unfortunately, someone is a Jesus Freak, and knows my beliefs. I'm a Pastafarian, that is, I believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Divine Being that created everything in the universe. Visit www.venganza.com for more details about his noodly goodness. This person, douche that they are, decided that my little joke on the world was aimed squarely at his dumb little version of God, and hacked my Myspace. Here's what they posted, in my name.

I am no longer a follower of this retarded religion.
I denounce the FSM and wish to be touched by his noodly goodness no longer.

That is all.

Which is such total bullshit. I mean, I bought the Goddamn book. I spent 15 fucking dollars on this, more than I ever spent on Christianity, and now some douche who doesn't know me thinks he can change someone's life and "save their soul" if he does shit like hack a Myspace account.

I would like to point out that I do believe in the FSM, now more than ever. Here's what I posted as soon as I saw it.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I SWEAR NO ONE HAS KILLED FOR MY RELIGION YET, BUT I WILL TOTALLY FUCK UP THE PERSON WHO DID THIS! I'VE BEEN SO TOTALLY PISSED OFF FOR A LONG TIME, AND NOW THIS?!?!?!?!

WHO DID THIS, I WILL TOTALLY MURDER YOU! AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHEN THIS HAPPENED. THIRD PERIOD DR. P'S ROOM. GOD DAMN YOU I WILL KILL YOU, YOU KNOW THAT?!?!?!

What is everyone's fucking beef with my religion? Goddamn, its a fucking joke, can't you take it? I'm making fun of you, sure. I'll admit it. But this? Honestly, you're taking this way too far, whoever the hell you are.

As for everyone who enjoys reading my blog, I'm calling you all out. I need a favor. I need a list, a list of every fucker who is in that room third period. I need to know what class it is, and what computer everyone was using. I'll go in there myself and murder this person during class, I don't give a fuck.

It's freedom of religion people. It's in the Constitution, dammit.

And go ahead, take this to the fucking administration, I don't care. This is seriously a death threat.

So that's what I posted. If you need even more proof that I didn't post the original, I don't even know how to center bulletin text, and that's how it came out.

I live in the United States of America. I have rights guaranteed to me, among them the right to choose my own religion, the right to privacy, and the right to not be hacked and have people publish stuff in my name. If this guy can disregard my rights like this, I can totally disregard his rights. I'm going to totally fuck up this person. And ruin their house.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, onwards to ASB.

I'd like to start with a quote from a book I read. "If ASB spent the amount of time on other things that they spend on rallies, it would be pretty impressive. They could really get something done."

That's basically the theme. ASB doesn't represent the students, and it certainly has no power. The only people who join ASB are the people who want it for colleges. I joined ASB as a class representative with the goal of actually representing my class junior year. We had a bunch of meetings over the summer that I had to go to, I thought we would learn ASB rules and school policies and important school issues and the like. Boy was I wrong. The meetings were way too short, so nothing got done. The president was an ass, and a patsy for the school administration. All we did was plan some lame dance for meeting after meeting.

So I was all, Ok, if we get this out of the way, we can really do something. So we had to fundraise for it. I said, hey, we can sell soda, I'll donate some good stuff. I was told that was Ok. So I buy a flat of Pepsi, one of Sprite, and one of Dr. Pepper. Then I was told that I couldn't sell it because it had caffeine. Which is totally lame, the school sells these brands from the machines all day. So the ASB just stuffed my donated soda in the ASB closet and forgot about it.

After this I just gave up, so I never had to help plan a rally or anything. But just imagine how much crap the school spends money on. The electronic bleachers in the gym, the electronic signboard that doesn't even tell the correct time, the racing stripes that don't do shit. Did the students have any say? Of course not.

If the administration weren't so lame, they would just put together a ballot and let the students vote for what to spend money on. Like, say, better bathrooms? Or perhaps a new geometry teacher? ASB could run the whole thing and people would be happier, because they could choose what they wanted.

God I love raisins.

2008-01-26T10:43:00.000-08:00

I found my soul mate.

I'm going to marry the Sun-Maid raisin girl. You all know her: whenever you see raisins, or little boxes of raisins, you see her.

To date, she has not asked me to clean the dishes, stop believing in the FSM, or told me no in any way. And she feeds me delicious raisins.

I don't care what anyone else thinks, I already sent the email asking for her hand in marriage.

"I saw your picture on my little box of raisins, and it was love at first sight.

Come, let us run away together! We could be happy in a small, hidden valley somewhere, away from the prying eyes always trying to steal your lucky charms! You could feed me delicious grapes, and I would eat them!

So, will you marry me?

Of course, one of my conditions is that you bring a lifetime supply of raisins to me. Free of charge."

As soon as I get that shipment of raisins, we'll plan a June wedding. I'm a little sad that I haven't received an email from her yet. I might have gotten on the news if it got out that I wanted to marry the Sun-Maid raisin girl.